Well I couldn’t let a year go by without commenting on the annual festive adverts that have been doing the rounds since October. Oh the joy.
Yes, just like this year’s snowfall the offering has been quite pathetic. From Argos’ weird alien Bill Nighy family to Boot’s relentless use of that ‘here come the girls’ advert this year has been pretty poor.
However not all of the adverts were rubbish. I actually thought one was pretty good this year: the John Lewis one. You know the one where the little boy waits the entire month for Christmas Day just so he can give his mum and dad a present. It’s sweet and I really don’t see why people hate it so much.
Sure it’s an advert for a shop and according to many people, led by the charismatic Charlie Brooker, this means nobody should weep at it or be touched at all by that little lad. They’d tell you that adverts can’t tell stories; well I reckon they’re wrong! (Sorry Charlie)
I think any medium can tell a story, even adverts. It’s actually quite refreshing for a company to actually use its brains when coming up with a new advertising campaign rather than just hiring a celebrity to endorse their pointless tat, as if they give a monkeys. I’m looking at you Luis Figo.
I’d actually go out on a limb and say John Lewis are the only organisation including the BBC and ITV who have actually bothered to think of something different this Christmas. While other companies are just shouting at you about their 3 for 2 offers or overestimating how popular the ‘here come the girls’ song is, and the Beeb are just sticking on more Only Fools and Horses reruns, at least John Lewis put some effort in this year!
Well it’s a heck of a lot better than last year where they just put a dog out in the snow and left him there for the day. Yeah, that guy obviously got the boot.
Unfortunately that’s about all for the good adverts this year. As for the bad, well there’s just too many to mention, so I’ll just run through some of the most diabolical ones…
First up is dear old Marks and Spencer who have officially run out of ideas. Yes, this year they decided to take on the X-Factor contestants and use them to sing a festive tune while chopping and changing the advert every week to accommodate the pointless cretins’ inevitable eliminations until finally they were left with Little Mix standing there like lost little lambs looking awkwardly into the camera wishing they hadn’t signed up to this.
The thing that got me about Marks and Spencer’s adverts was that X-Factor really doesn’t fit with their brand at all. Marks and Spencer’s used to stand for reliable quality clothing. X-Factor stands for annual tat held together with sellotape and sob-stories. It’s ultra-tacky, so what are M&S saying to its customers? Are they literally admitting they’ve downgraded from quality goods to cheap, tacky crap? They used to use Myleene Klass, Twiggy and all those other high class models, even Philip Glenister was in there one year. Now they’ve got a drugged up hairy walrus who can’t sing called Frank and the other instantly forgettable wannabes. I’m sure this will translate to 4 million less people bothering walking into M&S this year.
As for the supermarkets, well they haven’t changed for over a decade so why start now? Jamie’s still sprinkling cinnamon over some lubberly jubberly mince pies, Heston and Delia are acting so upper class in the Waitrose adverts even Steven Fry would start to feel inferior, and of course Freddie Flintoff is still leading a load of kids around Morrsions like he’s the Pied Piper of Hamelin. I really wish one year he’d remember that sodding quiche.
But this year’s worst supermarket advert has to go to Iceland though. They’ve brought in failed pop singer Stacey Soloman to spearhead their campaign. The basic principle of the ad is for the glamorous Stacey to drive home for Christmas to her perfect family singing the obvious song along the way.
One thing I asked myself once I’d seen the advert was: since when did Iceland go all la-de-da? I mean, have you seen Stacey’s outfit in it? And her house? It humongous! Everyone’s wearing the finest cashmere and the most expensive jewellery, but hey the pork pies are a steal at just 99p for 8. What the heck?!
So while M&S are saying they’re cheap and nasty, Iceland are saying they’re ultra-hoity-toity to the point they’re embarrassing Delia. Maybe it’s tongue in cheek but it’s so oxymoronic it makes me want to hurl all my frozen foods into the air and shoot them with an air-rifle.
All of these adverts are irritating, but there has been one this year that has truly left a mark on society. It’s not just the worst Christmas advert this year, but the worst advert of the year full stop.
Of course I can only be talking about Littlewoods and their twisted commercial that was the advertising equivalent of dropping an atomic bomb on Lapland.
I mean, it’s horrific what they do in this advert, truly heinous! They straight up tell the viewers that Santa is in fact not real, and that really it’s your “lovely lovely muvva” who buys all the presents! And to add insult to injury they get a load of young kids to sing about it in a Christmas nativity! Hear that kids? It’s really your mum who put your presents under the tree, and it’s your dad who’s been eating that mince pie and carrot you leave for the MAKE BELIEVE Chris Cringle!
Not only does it destroy the whole concept of Santa Claus which has been going on FOR DECADES, but it just depicts Christmas as a complete and total materialistic gangbang where people are only appeased by having expensive tat thrown on their knee paid for by your muvva’s credit card.
And the lyrics! Oh the lyrics! They make a Train song sound like a David Bowie classic! “Yo yo yo ma muvva got an Optimus Prime for Ben, a HTC for Uncle Ken, ma muvva got a Fuji camara for Jen, ma muvva’s wicked.” Yes they rap, and yes it sounds just as woeful as it looks on paper. Let’s rhyme Ben with Ken and then Jen! Jesus, who wrote this crap, Kanye West?
Littlewood’s horrid advert just hasn’t been thought through at all and could well signal the end for the long running retail store. To say it’s backfired would be an understatement, what mother watched that and thought it was the store for them? A store that doesn’t even bother to try and accommodate Santa at all.
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s just a sign of what society is like now. Kids stop believing in Santa at a younger and younger age every year that goes by. Maybe we should drop that atomic bomb on Lapland and put the old codger out of his misery.
That’s definitely what Littlewoods thought this year, but based on their profits it seems Britain isn’t willing to kill Santa off just yet.
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