Thursday 26 August 2010

You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

It’s the start of a new football season so it’s the start of another dreary Match of the Day series. Ultimately the feeling of watching Match of the Day leaves you feeling so empty inside even Shrek doesn’t want to live there. Either you’re sat at home watching it alone on a Saturday night crying into your brew or you’re up early Sunday morning crying into your Ready Brek.

It’s only really acceptable to watch if you’re eating a pizza with your mates, like the over the top scene from last year’s opening titles, or sat in the pub watching it on mute (which is the best way to view). In fact it’s actually quite fun in the pub, you can play guess what patronising comment Hanson has brought out this time, you know when it’s coming when Lineker gives you that look through the screen with that smarmy look of guilt on his face, like a dog who’s just relieved himself on the carpet.

So I’ve packed it in, cant be bothered with it. It’s as long-winded as it is boring so I’ve decided to just stick with Sunday night’s mischievous scamp of a younger brother: Match of the Day 2. Hosted by everyone’s favourite everyman: Adrian Chiles.

But no, Chiles is no more, instead we have a man known as Colin Murray, who Liverpool fans may recognise from channel five’s coverage of the Europa League last season. I personally remember him from his days doing the graveyard shift on Radio 1 in which he’d spend hours on end going on about the Kooks or the Klaxons, annoying me as a toiled away at my part time job. The things we do to get by ‘ay Colin.

To be fair to the little Irishman he’s actually quite decent. After his pre-season training in South Africa he actually does a good job at presenting the action. He’s quite warm and likeable unlike Lineker who has somehow developed the personality of a retired sock puppet. Unfortunately though I think the Beeb want him to be the new Adrian Chiles, you do get the impression there’s an executive producer stood off camera with a rifle aimed at his forehead: ‘Become Adrian or I’ll put a hole in your cranium’. Still, it’s better than working for ITV.

Now, what would Match of the Day be without its pundits? Better. But they’re here anyway. On Saturday’s helping you’ll find the bored looking Alan Hansen, who I’m thinking is a vampire as he keeps eying up Lineker and I cant decide if he wants to make love to him or consume his salt and vinegar flavoured blood; Alan Shearer who has half as much charisma as a ripped tea towel floating in a barrel or frogspawn; and Mark Lawrenson. Match of the Day 2 seems to be sticking with the winning formula of Lee Dixon and a randomer.

This week‘s randomer is none other than Robbie Savage fresh from captaining Radio 5 Live and irritating Derby County audiences. He’s apparently come dressed as Arthur from Inception, but unlike Arthur he isn’t kicked back into reality, instead he’s barking on about Fulham being chalk and cheese. “Sparky would’ve been doing his nut.” You’re doing my nut.  I’m not sure why Savage believes he’s a credible source of football knowledge, but he does. Last season he said Newcastle wouldn’t be promoted, this year they’re going down. What has he based that opinion on? They lost to Manchester United on day one at Old Trafford. So imagine my joy when I get to watch Newcastle obliterate Villa 6-0, with Andy Carroll jetting off after scoring his third as if to show Savage what he could have won. Of course this moment of joy didn’t last long though as the buoyant tea towel Shearer appears in the director’s box waving money around. Seems you cant escape him, even on a Sunday.

Of course Colin Murray, like myself, enjoyed watching it and forced Savage to eat his words. Which I can only imagine tastes a bit like leek, sand and mineral water. For this Murray is in my good books. He isn’t perfect, he spent most of the time addressing Robbie and Lee through the camera, but he did a good job. At least he’s shut up about the Klaxons.

Thankfully the evergreen Dixon, a man who’s a couple of years away from a Shredded Wheat advert, is on hand to tidy up where Savage makes a mess. He’s not actually a bad pundit, he’s got the knowledge of the game but the only problem is he’s forced to just be the ‘defence guy’ as if he has no clue about the attacking side of the game. He played for Arsenal for crying out loud! I can only imagine how frustrated he must be. First he gets forced to tell viewers about the back four needing to stick together every week, then he loses his mate Adrian, now he’s got Robbie Savage sat next to him clutching his arm. I’m waiting for the day when he just snaps and massacres the studio using only a ham sandwich and a hairnet, bludgeoning the randomer to death until finally being shot by the executive producer who’s been forced to change his target due to 3 people complaining to Ofcom about it. Spoil sport. But at least Murray could be himself then.

Dixon isn’t the only remnant from last season. That’s right, Kevin Day, a man who has been on more buses than Blakey, is back! Hooray! Okay so it’s not that exciting. I honestly don’t know how Kevin Day keeps getting out of bed in the morning. He gets sent to the dullest places on the planet, to meet the biggest bunch of weirdoes waltzing around the English countryside, and usually at about 3 in the morning. It’s as if the BBC are just messing with him, seeing how much pain and misery they can put him through without him grabbing a red sweatshirt and doing the truffle shuffle in front of a bull who’s just watched the whole of Heroes season 3 back to back. This is a man who has been to Portsmouth more than twice, been forced to use twitter and even sent to visit a man who commutes from the Isle of Man to Wolverhampton to watch a side managed by Mick McCarthy!

This weekend he had the unfortunate job of travelling down to the Emirates on a coach full of Blackpool fans, who are looking shamefully bemused and are still mistaking the rain patter on the roof of the bus as ‘Non, je ne regrette rien.’ But the kick never comes and it becomes apparent that this is not a dream. To the delight of the Blackpool fans, but also to the utter despair of Kevin Day who is really struggling to find anyone half interesting to interview about their chances. It must have been a long journey, thank God it’s just to the Emirates in North London and not the actual Emirates. I loved the end of his segment when he just waved them off as they headed back up the M1. You just know when he left shot of the camera he was flicking the Vs.

Sticking with the Blackpool fans, this year Match of the Day 2 are giving you, yes you, the chance to chant the match of the day theme tune because apparently it belongs to you. Now as anyone who’s been on Youtube will know you own absolute diddly squat, so I don’t really get this segment. Nevertheless Tangerine fans, knocking about a service station somewhere between Blackpool and North London, chant out a near perfect rendition of the bleak ringtone. On the plus side however it’s the first time in history that a Little Chef hasn’t been the most depressing thing at a service station. Anyway, Murray wants you to email him or something, so get to it.

So that’s it, you’ve seen the highlights of Sunday’s games and Saturday’s goals. Now send me off to bed with 2 good 2 bad. No. It’s not on anymore. Why BBC? Why? I just sat through this and you’re not even going to show me a Wigan fan eating a pie with a toothbrush? They’re replacing it with service station X-factor? Get me Sky on the phone. Now.

***

Match of the Day 2 is on every Sunday night, times vary. It’s on the iplayer Tuesday after midnight. But if there’s snooker on you might as well forget it.

Heroes season 3 is available in most stores selling dvds but should be avoided at all costs.

Wednesday 25 August 2010

My new blog

Hey all of you who are lovely enough to be reading this, this is my blog where I will proabably throw some of the random pieces of writing I do from time to time. Enjoy...