Death by Sofa.

Christmas is all wrapped up and done with now so turning on the television is officially outlawed just on the off chance that someone left it on ITV.

If you’re unfortunate enough to be in ITV’s demographic, then you’ll feel my everlasting post-Christmas pain. Every year it’s sale sale sale! And what could you possibly want after Christmas? A sofa of course! Why is it after Christmas they think people will be after sofas, or beds for that matter!? Where is the logic? Have people been sleeping on newspaper for the past twelve months or something? “Oh look darling, turns out beds are readily available now! Hooray!” I mean, don't people usually watch TV whilst sat on a sofa? Maybe people spill red wine on everything over Christmas and need new ones, even so I’m sure Cillit Bang would get rid of it.

I think people are trying to avoid the inevitable VAT increase coming in January, because the sales this year have been served with an extra portion of insanity! People are mad, bonkers, loopy, crackers, off their rocker, and they need help! Who in their right mind would queue up in the hours seen only by owls and insomniacs, all the way down the high street in bitterly cold surroundings to be greeted only by a puddle and a drunken tramp? All to buy the tat the shops couldn’t sell throughout the year.

The very same shops that still make money selling the tat for half price. How much do they make when they’re selling at 100%, interesting thought. Either way in 2011 you’ll be paying 20% VAT on said tat, instead of 17.5% 2010 was plonking on top of it. I’m not entirely sure if shoppers will be deterred from the high street because of the extra 2.5%, they probably won’t be, which will delight Gideon no end I'm sure.

The big shops are still advertising though, Argos, Tesco, and many others are still trying to catch your attention coming into the new year. And it just wouldn’t be right if M&S weren’t ramming themselves down your throat with their pretentious adverts featuring that pervy woman. God help us, there’s another ad you’ll find on dear old ITV.

As I said, for your own safety you should outlaw television post-Christmas, and if you really must watch it, for the love of God make sure you don’t leave it on ITV. It's bad enough that they have nothing to watch on it, why do they have to torture us with their bloody annoying adverts as well? If I bought everything that was advertised during a normal ad-break on tele at the moment I’d come out with three sofas, a double bed, a Nintendo Wii game and a side helping of car insurance. All of which I would not need. But I’d take the Wii game, why not, and you don’t even need a sofa to play on it! Brilliant!

Happy New Year! Keep spending everyone, Gideon needs it.

In all the places you find love it feels like Christmas.

Well it’s Christmas Day and it’s all winding down here. It’s been as fun a day as ever, I hope it has been a good day for you too.

Unfortunately I was awoken at 2am this morning, not because of the Ghost of Christmas Past, he came at 1, no it was because I was in a great deal of discomfort. This abdominal pain decided to keep me awake for a while, which annoyed the hell out of me! I mean, c’mon of all days to get ill it chooses Christmas Day? Thanks a lot!

Anyway, I did manage to get some sleep before I got out of bed in the morning. But I’ve spent the majority of the day with it, how fun. It’s not really the pain that bothered me really, I’m more than used to it, it’s just the timing of it. You spend all month looking forward to Christmas and then when it comes, you’re ill. Brilliant.

So after Christmas Dinner, which I did manage to enjoy, I decided to admit defeat and head to bed for a while. Whilst lying in bed, it got me thinking about how annoyed I was at missing out on Christmas thanks to illness. But after a while I started thinking about all those people in the world who don’t even have the luxury of being with their family and friends on Christmas Day.

Those people who spend Christmas alone, people without family, people stuck in a hospital bed, working or serving their country overseas. These are the people I thought of whilst I was lying there in pain. It dawned on me at that moment just how fortunate I am to be home for Christmas, some people don’t even get that luxury.

The people I thought of most were the soldiers out serving their nation. Unfortunately war doesn’t stop for Christmas, it would be good if it did, but it doesn’t. Today, the Queen didn’t mention the troops in her speech, which I felt was a bit disappointing, instead she opted for a message about sport and togetherness in communities. One of the reasons we can even celebrate Christmas is because of the bravery of the servicemen and women, some of whom are stuck in a war zone on the 25th.

Barack Obama and his wife Michelle paid tribute to the American troops spending Christmas overseas:

“Today, we’re also thinking of those who can’t be home for the holidays, especially all our courageous countrymen serving overseas. They’ve been everything we’ve asked them to be, and even as we speak, many are fighting halfway around the globe, in hopes that someday, our children and grandchildren won’t have to”

A poignant and fitting message I thought, and it would have been nice if someone from Britain would have said something like that for our troops. I haven’t seen a mention of them today. I haven’t seen David Cameron all day either, he’s probably spending Christmas with his family, which is fair enough, but he could have at least recorded something. I just feel as a nation we’re starting to become a little too selfish when it comes to Christmas, and you can’t get much more oxymoronic than that.

All in all today has been a great Christmas, even if I was ill for it. Being unwell made me realise how lucky I am and that there are people out there in far worse situations than I am. It was quite a humbling realisation as I’d spent most of the day being irritated at the fact I was poorly and that Amazon hadn’t delivered my stuff. We take so much for granted at Christmas and in the end I’m just happy spending it at home with the ones I love.

Isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

I hope you’ve had a great Christmas yourself, and here’s hoping those who aren’t as fortunate as me today, will be with their loved ones sooner rather than later.

'Tis the season.

Are you feeling Christmassy yet? You should be, because it’s Christmas Eve everyone! Meaning only one thing: tomorrow is Christmas Day! Sounds obvious but apparently some people don’t know this.

Take Amazon for example, it’s now Christmas Eve and they still haven’t delivered my packages, but they have guaranteed me that I’ll receive them before tomorrow. Yep, I’m fully expecting a knock at the door at 23.59 tonight. If not, then there will be hell to pay!

I chose to shop online, mainly to avoid the horrible queues over Christmas. There’s nothing worse than standing in a queue down at HMV or Game, meandering around the entire store thinking of all the wonderful things you could be doing with your time instead of listening to an old woman complain about the lack of batteries in some lame plastic product.

Plus Amazon is open 24 hours. Well, there’s Tesco of course, but with Amazon you can browse and shop without any trolley rage and you can simply get into the store without being hassled by a bunch of spotty chavs asking if you can buy them some cigarettes. It really is bad for your skin sunshine.

Forget Christmas cheer! Amazon have stolen my money! I ordered my pressies over the net on the fifth of the festive month and have I received a sausage? No, I haven’t. Yes, my dad likes sausages what do you want from me? It’s blatant theft. This is treason of the highest order! And an email saying they’re very sorry isn’t going to cut it!

They must be punished for this outrage. I am hereby declaring the dismemberment of Jersey from the British isles! France can have it. Tough luck Amazon but that’s what you get for treason against me and our Queen. Au revoir.

Ah well, here’s hoping I’ll receive it before the day is out, but I won’t be holding my breath. So what can be done to ease the Christmassy stressors? Well, there’s always the trusty TV.

There’s not a great deal on tonight, the main highlight is probably QI, which is probably the best thing on the beeb right now. On just before that is a My Family Christmas special which is always a fun jaunt. The soaps are on, dishing out the daily serving of depression. Ho ho ho. And Paul O’Grady is on for an hour at 9pm.

As for Christmas Day itself there’s a few things on. BBCs traditional animated flick of the day this year is not a Pixar one unfortunately, instead it’s Shrek the Third, which I’ve never bothered to watch, so that’s in the maybe pile. Doctor Who is on at 6pm and could be worth a watch as, well, Doctor Who is actually pretty good drama these days and not only that Michael Gambon is in it! Dumbledore for crying out loud! Strictly Come Dancing might be worth a watch too, it features the same usual no name cast, but Vince Cable is on it! How utterly random, there could be murder in the dance floor if his partner secretly works for the Telegraph.

Top Gear is on again, so if, like me, you didn’t even realise it was on the other day, it’s repeated at 7pm and there's another special on Boxing Day too. Should be a laugh. More of a laugh at least than the Royle Family that’s on at 9pm on BBC1, don’t bother, this show used to be so good, now it’s awful and is about as subtle as a cock-flight in a petting zoo.

That’s about it really, there are plenty of movies on over the festive period. Avatar is on Sky Movies pretty much all the time, in 3D apparently. Forget that. Other film highlights on Christmas Day include, The Muppet Christmas Carol at 8.50am on Channel 4, Madagascar at 12.25pm on BBC1 , Stranger than Fiction at 6.45pm on Five and of course Die Hard is on at 9pm on Film4!

As for Christmas Eve, well, there’s Uncle Buck at 9pm on ITV3, Prince Caspian at 5.15pm on BBC1, but if you’re in the mood for a classic Christmas film look no further than Scrooge with Alastair Sim, on Five at 4pm. What can I say about this movie? Other than it is the best version of a Christmas Carol that’s ever been made. I defy you to find me a better Scrooge than Alastair Sim, no one has ever come close to capturing the essence of the character quite like him. I think I’ll be giving that a watch this year again. I watch it every year, that’s how good it is!

So yes, plenty to watch over Christmas, why was I angry again? Time to sit back with a smooth beverage and a mince pie, put my feet up and wait for Santa to come. Ah sweet relaxation. Holy crap was that the doorbell!?

Duck Season.

Well it’s been one memorable week across the pond. No I’m not talking about Doctor Who being aired at the same time as us Brits, this is much bigger news! Something actually got done! In the senate of all places!

Yes, I am of course talking about the bill to finally give US first responders to the 9/11 attacks healthcare funding. This bill took forever to get passed. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I mean, it’s such a no-brainer. Healthcare for 9/11 heroes and survivors, who in their right minds would oppose that?

Republicans. Of course, who else. Apparently this thing was going to cost too much or maybe that money would end up in the hands of an illegal immigrant who went in to save people. Those inconsiderate migrant bastards, how dare they go in and save people’s lives!

Let’s face it, the Republicans were only blocking this thing because Obama wasn’t doing what they wanted, like a child who walks off with the ball, we all know that child, and we all hate him. That’s what they are at times: children. Alright, block some things in some sort of childish protest, but to sit there on your back-sides blocking a bill that gives healthcare to the brave men and women who saved lives during the 9/11 terror attacks in New York is just plain wrong. The same men and women who Republicans won't stop going on about when it suits them!

I think we can all agree that this is a good bill. We can argue about the new healthcare bill (not Obamacare by the way, whoever coined that needs to be jettisoned into orbit as soon as possible) as there are actual arguments to be had, but this one is so painfully without fault the Republicans do nothing but look like idiots opposing it.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a Democrat or a Republican just vote yes and be done with it! Your issue is with Obama and the other Democrats in the senate, don’t take it out on people who quite frankly deserve to have healthcare funding, not to be hindered in their daily lives while you swan around in a large room waiting for the end-of-school bell doing nothing! Thankfully they passed it on Wednesday, and none too soon!

But that wasn’t all! The senators clearly had their Weetabix that morning as they passed another bill! And yes, it was yet another no-brainer, this bill allows US troops to serve in the military as themselves. Yes, I can’t believe I just wrote that either. Yes, it’s the gay issue. The senate has decided to overturn the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy, meaning gay and lesbian servicemen and women can openly serve in the military whereas they would previously be forced to lie about their sexual orientation.

It came out of the blue really, I thought Republicans, in particular John McCain, would never be turned on this! He had demanded to see surveys, analysis of surveys, more surveys, more accurate surveys, a survey on the surveys, before he would even talk about the idea of possibly looking at the policy, let alone change it! All the evidence pointed towards the military being fine with it, but McCain needed more than this. You did get the feeling he just kept on batting it away and asking for something he thought was impossible, like a jubilant manager telling a rookie employee to go and find a long stand, only for them to return with a long stand.

But it somehow managed to pass through the senate on Wednesday! It really is a landmark bill, especially for America. It’s amazing how the senate, after months of pretty much doing absolutely nothing, decided to do so much on one day. Were they up for a review or something?

But that wasn’t all! They even passed a bill to reduce the amount of nuclear warheads between themselves and Russia by 30%. Which I think we can all agree is a good thing. I honestly don’t know how the Democrats have done this, how did they manage to get the Republicans out of bed? Never mind vote in favour of these bills! What, did they find some dirt on Boehner or something?

Either way they somehow managed it, and during the so called ‘lame-duck’ period too. It doesn’t get any better than that. Barack Obama has called it “the most productive post-election periods in decades.” And he’s probably right, Obama has been under fire in recent months, he took a big hit at the mid-terms and he’s been having serious problems getting things done with the Republicans opposing even his lunch orders. But this week he can be proud, as he’s managed to get some major bills passed and he’s got the senate producing some form of productivity again.

What’s so lame about that?

Darling... You are a complete arse!

Well the festive season is well and truly upon us. What comes to your mind when you think of Christmas? Father Christmas? Coca-cola? Jesus? Well no Christmas wouldn’t quite be Christmas if it wasn’t for a bit of pantomime!

And this year has been no different, the BBC and ITV have been dishing out their annual pantos starting months ago. I talk of course of Strictly Come Dancing and the X-Factor! Strictly has pulled out some big names this year, Kara Tointon… nope, Michelle Williams… of girl band fame, and of course Scott Maslen… wasn’t he in The Bill once? Audiences spent the first couple of weeks remembering who Paul Daniels was, and once they did he was swiftly voted out. Okay, so the biggest star was Jimi Mystry, by default, but the biggest personality of Strictly this year was of course Anne Widdecombe.

Now, looking at Anne you wouldn’t really think she was built to be a dancer. And you’d be right. Her partner, the more than creepy Anton du Beke, spent most weeks snapping his back in half and dragging her around the dance floor until the public took sheer pity on him and voted them off. Expect him on an accident at work ad soon enough. Poor lad.

Eight eliminations she escaped. Eight! Is this show even about dancing? Well, obviously it’s not, since John Sergeant managed to fumble his way through last year’s show until eventually quitting, the show has been deemed about ‘entertainment’ rather than dancing. Even head judge Len has declared the show to be about entertainment now, no longer are we hearing: “Darling! It’s a travesty Darling!” They still give low scores but I think the judges have realised that they’re as redundant as a spare button on a zip coat.

Ah the judges, that’s what it’s all about. Four bored know-it-alls sit behind a desk stolen from ITV News look blankly onwards as an out of work actor twirls around the dance floor with a professional dancer from High School Musical. Sounds good doesn’t it? 11 million viewers watch this stuff!

The judges are there for a reason though. They give people a reason to watch, as once the dance is done the couple head over to Brucie who waves his chin at them and herds them to the judges for their weekly grilling. Judge number one is panto baddie Craig Revel-Horwood (boo-hiss) a man who could condescend Christ if he wanted to, sits right on the end and generally finds faults with everyone and has no qualms with ripping into the rubbish contestants. He is quite camp, knows his stuff, and likes to use the word ‘darling’ a lot. Generally what he says is right, but that doesn’t mean we have to like it!

Judge number two, is head judge Len Goodman, who’s spared the title of oldest man in the room thanks to Brucie. Len has the deciding vote and holds most of the authority. In previous seasons he’s been a bit like Craig in that he told the truth but nowadays he just grins at you like the gawping fish at the end of Mario Kart and says “thanks for playing.”

Next judge is Alicia Dixon, who replaced Arlene Phillips last season much to the bemusement of everyone except Arlene Phillips. I think Arlene fell out with the BBC producers and to embarrass her even further they threw in their answer to Cheryl Cole. Alicia plays the part of Widow Twanky, not the lead character but the one who just has very little to do except smile and say well done.

Last but not least is Bruno Tonioli, the most eccentric man on the BBC since Jimmy Savile. Bruno essentially plays the comic of the panto, he sits on the end and yells at the dancers exclaiming how hot they are “Scott-t!” Even if it wasn’t Scott dancing it’s “Scott-t!” that’s all he says. And God forbid if Bruce should get to him last, then he just acts like a sticky spring toy forbidden from jumping only to then be released as if by surprise, to which he ends up stood bow-legged on the desk yelling “It was magnificent! The best thing I’ve ever seen! I orgasmed twice! Marry me now! Exquisite! 10! 10! 10! 11!” The crowd obviously laughs it up while the evil Craig shakes his head condescendingly from the opposite side.

As for the dancing itself, it’s been alright. But what I have noticed this season more than others is that the dancers are using the judges' desk a lot more as a part of their routines. They’ll start by standing on the desk and waiting for the music to kick in and then leap off it. Sounds alright only the camera shot at the start gets to see four of the most awkward people sat looking up at the dancer. It’s just bizarre, I’m fairly sure Bruno farted one week just to relieve some of the tension as Len randomly chuckled for no apparent reason.

There are some decent dancers, but they could be better. Next year I want John Bishop on it! I went to see him live earlier this week and that man got moves! Get him on it and I might actually watch it!

All in all Strictly is a lovely family evening filled with favourites, bad guys, a cheering and jeering audience and Billy Connolly. Which is more than I can say for the other show sat across the road in the studios of ITV.

Yes, X-Factor, the newly crowned ‘most tired show on television’ since Big Brother finished earlier in the year. I can sum this show up in a word. Awful. No wait I can do better than that: Terrible. No that’s not good enough: atrocious. No that’s still not covering it: Harrowing. Yeah that’s a bit more like it, shouldn’t have really given myself a one word limit there, but I’d have been here all day if I didn’t.

I can’t stand X-Factor, I genuinely hate its existence. Especially the first few weeks where ITV literally round up people with serious mental health issues and throws them out on stage where they proceed to sing a crumbling rendition of Ronan Keating’s ’When You Say Nothing At All’, which is then followed by Simon Cowell and his motley crew calling them the worst thing they’ve ever seen (amazing how it keeps getting topped isn’t it?) and the audience laughs deliriously at them. They walk off in shame, crying, and are greeted by a smirking Dermot O’Leary who then takes a huge handful of salt and rubs it in their faces turns them round and boots them out onto the streets again. It is actually appalling. This is entertainment? Laughing at mental disorders on a Saturday night?

Well anyway, it bloody well finished last week, thank God, it’s the main benefit to Christmas falling on a Saturday this year. The winner was not Gamu, it was Matt Cardle, who I’ve only just now realised exists on this planet. He used to be a painter and decorator but now he’s the one being decorated by pretty much everyone in the UK media.

I’ll admit, I know nothing about the man, I only found the painter and decorator fact in the Metro where I read up on the amazing final that 20 million people watched. 20 million, that’s over 25% of the British population sat in front of a flashing box watching a bunch of nobodies crawl about on stage desperately clawing at the fabled 15 minutes of fame. I mean who was watching the other channels? Watch could’ve just shown hardcore porn and no one would have noticed!

To me, Matt looks a bit bland. Okay, he’s more memorable than last year’s winner (answers on a postcard), who incidentally entered the chart with his new single at number 68 on Sunday, but he seems to have the charisma of a moth-eaten cardigan. I don’t know, maybe I’m not being fair, I’ve only seen him sing once, and yes he can sing, but who cares? I’ve seen overweight middle-aged women being thrown around a dance floor dressed as a matador’s cape that have entertained me more than this guy!

Apparently Matt beat a girl called Rebecca and a band called ‘One Direction’, which is a brilliant name I have to say, I’m sure they’ll go on to great things. Anyway the cardigan won it and subsequently released his single: Biffy Clyro’s hit record ‘Many of Horror’. That’s when I thought: hang on a minute, according to an interview I read a few weeks ago Matt said he would only release new material, but what’s this? Looks to me like a cover version of an all round popular chart hit. So you lied to us Matt? How could you? Oh no wait, they changed the song title to “When we Collide.” Ah right well that’s alright then. 

How gullible is this man? He seriously thinks he has his own life now, where he makes his own decisions. No, you are no property of Simon Cowell and you will go out there and you will sing and dance to the tune of whatever he sees fit until he gets bored of you and simply gets someone else from next year’s X-Factor! Idiot.

Matt was mentored by Dannii Minogue, the less famous of the two sisters, she’s the one who didn’t marry Jason Donovan on Neighbours. She’s one of the four judges and plays one of the more well liked ones. Cheryl Cole is the other female judge, who, to be honest is looking more and more thin by the day. I’m actually worried about her, has she forgotten how to eat or something? She looks like Olive Oil! If she turns to one side she bloody disappears! I’m not entirely sure why Cheryl is on the panel, given she’s an expert in pretty much nothing but she sits there anyway.

Either side of the lovely ladies is behemoth Cowell and Louis Walsh. Cowell, who is still looking more and more like a Pez dispenser by the day, is the meanie of the gang, Officer Dibble if you will. Louis Walsh, well, he’s just Bennie. Louis makes no sense to me when he talks, all I hear is the same thing. Maybe because it is the same thing! Every week he comes out and says to one of the performers “That was the best performance on X-Factor EVER!” If this show gets any better he’s going to end up having a heart attack! Every week it's: “Best performance ever! It’ll never be topped this!” Until the week after when he says: “Best performance ever! It’ll never be topped this!” Succeeded by the following week’s show where he says: “Best performance ever! It’ll never be topped this!” You get the idea.

The X-Factor judges are boring. They have no personality, except for Cowell, they have no talent, and none of them say ‘darling’! At least on Strictly they have a bit of a laugh, alright it’s all aimed at Brucie and Anne Widdecombe, but fair play to them, they all take it with a pinch of salt and they're all good sports. They obviously want to win the show, but if they don’t they don’t go and cry about it. X-Factor contestants treat the show as if it’s the biggest thing that will ever happen to them. I walked into a KFC once, as crap as it was, it was still a better experience than being on the X-Factor. Get over it you bunch of ungrateful idiots. “I’m doing this for my pet goldfish who died when I was only twelve.” Oh Boo-hoo, why don’t you get a job! I’m sure Blooper would be chuffed with that more than this abomination!

Of course X-Factor, like Strictly, is just a panto in disguise. From the tacky set to the stereotypical panto characters sat behind the desks. It’s just cheap, crappy, pointless, soul destroying television. You can actually feel your self respect dripping from your ears whilst watching it, and if you close your eyes you can see your high school form tutor shaking her head disapprovingly at you.

Strictly is okay, good casual viewing, a bit of a laugh and not treated too seriously. X-Factor is rubbish, and you can say “Oh no it isn’t” all you like, it won’t change my mind, because it bloody well is.

Wham Bam Big Sam.

Well it’s been a week since Chris Hughton was sacked by Newcastle now it’s Blackburn’s turn to needlessly sack their manager. Yes, that’s right Big Sam Allardyce is the latest Premier League boss to receive his P45.

It’s been nearly two months since Blackburn were taken over by foreign investors, and for some reason they have chosen to relieve him of his duties now, as part of what they call “a wider plan.” He has simply been thanked for his services, handed his coat and shown the door.

But why now? After giving him your backing only a few weeks ago? Was it the 7-1 drumming by Manchester United? That could have happened to anyone. It was only in November when the Rao family gave Allardyce their backing saying:

“We want results and Sam has taken up the challenge. He deserves a chance.”

Maybe he's had his chance, since the owners have taken over Blackburn have won two (Villa and Wolves) and lost two (Manchester United and Bolton) and perhaps that isn’t good enough for them. Though it could be possible that the new owners have been courting a new manager since they took over, and have chosen now to make the change official. Chris Hughton may well be a candidate. It certainly won’t be Alan Pardew.

Ah Alan Pardew, the ninth Newcastle United manager in as many years, what a decision that was. A man who has been relegated more times than Julien Flaubert (soon to be heading to the Championship with West Ham) has been chosen to lead a newly promoted club.

I honestly don’t understand why, after the success they’ve been having with Hughton, they chose to give Alan Pardew, a manager who couldn’t cut it at Southampton, a five year deal. Mind you Harry Redknapp couldn’t hack it at Southampton and now he’s managing a Champions League outfit. Don’t get your hopes up too much Toon fans, I know he‘s had a good start but I don‘t think Champions League football will be heading North East anytime soon! Then again Sunderland aren’t doing too bad.

Elsewhere this weekend that man Carlos Tevez has handed in a transfer request over at Eastlands. Oh dear, suddenly the City fans who were quite jubilant about Wayne Rooney’s want away slip, are all sat down with their chin on their hands. Funny how things change. Welcome to Buenos Aires.

It never ceases to amaze me how Sir Alex Ferguson manages to look like a genius over his transfer policy. Alright, so he signed Eric Djemba’Djemba and David Bellion but United could have wasted thirty-odd million on the little Argentinean. Good work Fergie, Michael Owen was much better value for money after all.

Tevez has revealed that his relationship with “certain executives” has broken down beyond repair and that he wants to leave for family reasons. Or his agent, Kia Joorabchian, wants even more money out of him and has advised a transfer. Tevez strenuously denies this, saying he wanted to leave in the summer but Joorabchian insisted he stayed at Eastlands. I’m not so sure, Tevez has spent the majority of his life saying yes to Joorabchian so if he says jump Tevez will ask how high.

I always thought Fergie’s reasoning behind not signing Tevez permanently was to do with his agent. There’s something not quite right about paying an individual a transfer fee to sign a player. To be frank it feels like slavery. City say they will force Tevez to stay, which sounds even more like slavery, but I don’t see how they can. I mean, what’s the point? He won’t perform for you, just sell him and be done with it.

Who knows, there has been talk of Tevez wanting to quit football altogether saying that he is fed up of the game and fed up of people within the game. He isn’t technically owned by Joorabchian anymore, although he takes his advice very seriously, but this freedom may be behind his motives for leaving.

It’s a little bit like the Robinho situation, a big money star on a large contract wanting to leave the club, although this time it is made harder on City as Tevez is a player who actually makes a difference to their side. He’s got 10 of their 23 league goals this season, he‘s the captain (not really sure why) and he has a lot of drive going forward. On the plus side, City have the cash to replace him, so in the short term this may look bad for them but I doubt it will have many long-term implications.

On the other side of Manchester, the Chilean miners will be watching United play in the Premier League tonight for the first time since their 7-1 thumping of Big Sam’s Blackburn. I wouldn’t expect the same scoreline tonight however as it’s table-topping Arsenal who have made the journey to the Theatre of Dreams today.

Of course the mind games have been going on, but it’s been through a different Frenchman this time. Step forward, Samir Nasri, a player who for some reason this season will not shut up. Okay so you’re pretty much Arsenal's best performing player of late, but please sit down.

Nasri reckons Old Trafford has lost its ‘fear factor’ and that Arsenal will not be scared of United tonight: 

“Manchester United is not the same team as before, with Cristiano Ronaldo and Tevez it was a little bit scary to play at Old Trafford. Now I don't think offensively they are the same as before.” 

To be fair, I’d be scared of any team with Tevez in it, the only thing scarier than him are those bloody angels from Doctor Who!

His comments confuse me though, as Arsenal’s home form has been nothing short of disastrous this season, with losses already to West Brom, Newcastle and most notably local rivals Tottenham. United have lost a grand total of zero at home this season. So if we’re talking about the ‘fear factor’ Samir, if Manchester United are let’s say Alton Tower’s famous ride, Nemesis, then the Emirates is one of those 20p a ride machines you find outside Asda.

I wish these mind games would get a bit more interesting, I remember when they used to throw pizza at each other, them were the days.

Gordon Brown's new book for Christmas.

Out now in all good bookstores, and many many bad ones, is Gordon Brown’s new book: ‘She’s a Bigot’. A frank account of Gordon’s tenure in charge of the nation, and what he would do to fix all our problems. Such prepositions include a total dismemberment of Rochdale from the Commonwealth, and legislation stopping Jeremy Vine from being allowed on radio.

Throughout the book Gordon talks candidly about his troublesome relationship with life long Labour supporter Gillian Duffy. The highs, the lows, the time he called her a bigot. Ah, such great memories.

The book even has a foreword from a very special guest: Sue.

It's the perfect stocking filler this Christmas! So go out and grab your copy now, you’ll love it. And if you don’t, well, you’re a bigot.

***

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Beyond-Crash-Overcoming-Crisis-Globalisation/dp/0857202855

One for Sorrow.

Well it’s happened again. Newcastle have gone and sacked yet another manager. Chris Hughton is the latest casualty, a man who had the backing of the dressing room, players who actually wanted to play for him, and a good record so far this season. What in the name of a lone magpie is going on!? Ever since Kevin Keegan did what Kevin Keegan does best: quitting, back in 1997 Newcastle have done nothing but hire and sack managers as they fumble around in the mediocrity of English football.

It’s Newcastle tradition, they will never learn! Back in 1997, after King Kev departed, Kenny Dalglish was thrown into the hot seat, he was shown the door after a year in charge. And so it began. Gullit was next up, playing sexy football and lasting a year. Next contestant was Sir Bobby Robson who finally managed to turn it around.

Robson managed to turn a team who were fighting relegation into title contenders, finishing fourth and third in the 2001-2002 and 2002-2003 seasons respectively. Meaning qualification into the Champions League. Something they are way way away from ever achieving these days.

However, Sir Bobby couldn’t build on the success, being eliminated from the Champions League in the group stages in 2003 and only managing fifth place due to the resurgence of Liverpool. Bobby was sacked, and since then things have gotten a lot worse.

Souness was up next and he managed nearly 2 whole seasons in charge! He was sacked in February 2006. Behind him in the queue was Glen Roeder, who did well at first but once given a full season had possibly the worst luck a manager has ever had, sustaining massive injuries to his senior squad and having to replace them with the youth team. He was out before the 2006-2007 season was even wrapped up.

It was Sam Allardyce who was given the opportunity at a ‘big’ club next. He left Bolton Wanderers to become Newcastle’s fourth manager of the new millennium. Now Bolton are the bigger club, funny how things change. Big Sam lasted what seems like twenty minutes and was sacked by new owner Mike Ashley.

Ah, Mike Ashley, he loves Newcastle apparently. God knows why he’s made it is sole ambition to destroy the club from the inside then. Ever since he’s walked in, with his Newcastle replica kit instead of the usual owner attire (suit and ushanka), Newcastle have been a joke club, not just to Sunderland fans but to everyone.

Ashley took over the club in June 2007. Since then he has had five different managers. None more notable that the return of King Kev! Yes, after eleven years and six managers, Keegan returned much to the delight of the Toon army. But if Alardyce lasted just twenty minutes, Keegan’s return lasted a mere fifteen. He was out before you could say Peter Lovenkrands, criticising the board and doing what Kevin Keegan does best: quitting.

After Keegan, Ashley seemed out of ideas and randomly brought in Joe Kinnear to finish the season off. Luckily for Kinnear and his health he left the club due to heart troubles. Who should have replaced him but Newcastle legend Alan Shearer. Fresh from his eagle eye duties on Match of the Day, Shearer came in to attempt to keep Newcastle in the league while Kinnear was undergoing surgery. Shearer failed, as anyone would have, and Newcastle were relegated into the Championship thanks to an own goal by Damien Duff. Such a fitting way for them to be relegated. All of their problems are their own doing.

After relegation Ashley finally gave in to the massive protests by the fans and put the club up for sale, stating: “It has been catastrophic for everybody. I’ve lost my money and I’ve made terrible decisions. Now I want to sell it as soon as I can.” But of course nobody bought them and they were left in the Championship with no one having a clue what was going on. There’s a theme emerging here. Nobody has a clue what is going on; me, the fans, the players, the managers, the owners, God himself. No one knows.

Last season Newcastle had a good year, Shearer wasn’t given a new contract, in fact I don’t think he was even spoken to afterwards. Chris Hughton stood in as manager and eventually took the role permanently guiding the Toon to the top of the table and right back into the Premier League. His reward? Nothing. No assurances, no new contract, no transfer spends, no nothing. Instead there’s just been a cloud parked precariously over St James’ Park, sorry SportsDirect.com@St James’ Park, and credit to Hughton, he just got on with it. 

And got on with it he did, his Premier League record this season is: won 5, drawn 4, lost 7, with his highlights being a win over Arsenal at the Emirates and getting a point against Chelsea. Not to mention the 6-0 hammering of Aston Villa and eliminating Chelsea from the Carling Cup, at Stamford bridge I might add. Not bad for a newly promoted club.

But now he’s been sacked. Newcastle want a more ‘experienced’ manager to take them forward. They‘re currently sitting pretty in 12th, but cracks are already appearing. Sol Campbell, probably the most senior figure in the Newcastle dressing room, has already come out and said it was a shock to the players and that it will have a negative effect on them:

“Chris is such a lovely guy. Top man. This will hit the players hard. The players admired him, and liked him, and won't be happy now he's gone like this. The players are sure to be asking themselves ‘what the hell is going on?’”

I hope Hughton goes on to bigger and better things, he should do, he’s a quality manager. As for Newcastle, I hope they get relegated.

Caw.

It came to my attention this weekend that Facebook had a good ol’ fashioned shindig involving its profile pictures. Yes, to aid awareness of child violence someone thought of a pretty nifty idea: for everyone to change their profile photo to a picture of a cartoon character.

This was a general success, quite a few people, including myself (Avenger from Harvey Birdman, hell yeah!), changed their photos. Why? Well to raise awareness and have a bit of nostalgic fun along the way. But of course for every happy man or woman enjoying him or herself in the world there is a killjoy. And there is no Xbox achievement for this kind of killjoy, not at all. Only a big rubber stamp that simply says :’(

Why have people actively gone out of their way to condemn this? I mean, c’mon guys it’s just a bit of fun. Enjoy your life. It’s okay we know the world done ya wrong, but come now, join us and let’s have some fun.

But no, I’ve seen many a status update over the weekend with disgruntled party poopers exclaiming how absurd this whole thing is. “What good will it do?” I hear them say. Well it could do a lot actually. Maybe some people will say: “yeah, you know what? I think I’m going to give a donation to the NSPCC.” If one person did that then it was all worth it. And so what if it did nothing, it was a bit of fun, I remembered the Moomins, what more can you want?

Some people have just gone way too far in opposing this. You’ve probably seen it all for yourselves. I found it especially funny to see people moaning about conformity, saying they refuse to do it. I saw one person have a cartoon on Saturday, but because one of our mutual friends proclaimed their distain for the idea he commented in support and changed it back to his original photo. Sigh.

It’s such a shame to see that a lot of people I know have grown up.

Nil Points.

A few days have passed now since the big decision not to give England the 2018 World Cup and the dust has hardly settled. It was on Thursday when Fifa president, Sepp Blatter, opened his envelope and revealed that it would be Russia who would be hosting it. Not England, not Spain/Portugal, not Belgium/Netherlands. But Russia. Fair enough.

The backlash to it has been fierce in places, and you can understand it to a degree. England’s bid, which was clearly the best bid on the table in terms of stadia, transportation, history and policing, managed a mere two votes and was subsequently eliminated from the running in the first round. At that point I was desperately looking round for Graham Norton, it’s like Eurovision all over again!

How does this happen? How does the best bid come out last? Well the probable reasons have all been surfacing over the last few days. Primarily the blame is being put at the BBC’s door for airing Panorama, a show that looked into the controversial subject of corruption within football’s world governing body, Fifa, claiming that three officials took bribes in the 1990s and that Fifa vice-president Jack Warner is still to this day involved in selling on tickets to touts. This was aired on Monday.

Obviously the bid team tried to calm it down branding the programme ‘an embarrassment’. Many have said they shouldn’t have aired it before the host nation was revealed. I personally think they should have aired it, we have a free press, deal with it Fifa. But to be honest, what did it matter? England were not going to win the bid anyway. That much is clear. We sent David Beckham, PM David Cameron and even Prince William and they still couldn’t persuade them to choose England’s bid. It’s not exactly a secret that Fifa aren’t too keen on England.

Fifa’s main reasoning is that they wanted to give the tournament to a ‘developing’ nation. Which they seem to be doing recently during Sepp Blatter’s era in charge. He awarded South Africa with the 2010 tournament, and now Russia and Qatar have benefited from his methods. So if this was Sepp’s big plan, why did England even bother making a bid in the first place. Why did we waste £15 million just to sit there and take last place. Last place! Even Belgium beat us! We were beaten by a Blackadder punch-line!

Whatever the reasoning behind it, Fifa have certainly been under fire since. Commentators in England have been damning to say the least, with the whole thing just not smelling right. Roger Burden, acting chairman of the FA, has decided not to run for the position permanently stating that he can no longer work with Fifa as he can no longer trust them. Although this is seemingly a small drop in the ocean it will certainly rock Fifa’s boat and they will have to address this issue rather than ducking it as they have always done in the past.

There is a real sense of injustice and betrayal in the country. Apparently the bid team were promised more votes than the two they received, however they did not materialise. So did Fifa officials straight-up lie to our faces? Maybe they made the exact same promises to Russia. Who knows. Either way the system is a colossal failure that clearly needs to be changed. But don’t hold your breath.

Are Fifa corrupt? I don’t know, but there is a lot of smoke, that much is for sure. I don’t really mind Russia being awarded the tournament, it will be the first time an Eastern block nation has hosted the games, and Russia are actually an up and coming team in the world game. What I don’t understand is Qatar. In 2022 Qatar will host the World Cup. That’s right. Qatar.

They managed to win with their bid against the USA, Australia, Japan and South Korea. Now, okay don’t give it to the States, they had the World Cup in 1994 and Japan and South Korea both had it back in 2002, so they we’re never going to realistically get it. But I genuinely thought Australia would win it over Qatar. The Oceania Football Confederation has never hosted a World Cup, and although technically Australia now play as part of the Asian Football Confederation, they are their best chance of becoming hosts.

Australia, as a nation, are sporting mad. Football over there has boomed in recent years for whatever reasons. World Cup fever takes over the country every time it’s on. The A-League is making good progression even with the meagre resources it has. They have some of the most passionate supporters in the world who are always out in force in other nations when they hold their World Cups. Okay, it’s not the biggest sport in their country, it probably ranks behind Aussie rules and cricket, and maybe even rugby, but you’d be surprised to see how big football is getting over there. I really think they are a World Cup away from it really taking off over there. Giving the tournament to Qatar just feels like a missed opportunity by Fifa in all honesty.

Giving the 2022 World Cup to Qatar bemuses me. They will become the smallest country to host the games, and I seriously want to know how they hope they’re going to pull it off. All of the games will be a stone’s throw from one another; how on earth are they going to effectively police this? Surely it would have made more sense to share it with a neighbour, maybe Saudi Arabia, for example. It would be like hosting the World Cup in Glasgow, only with even more trouble. It gives hope to Liechtenstein’s next bid anyway.

But this isn’t the main reason why it bemuses me. During summer Qatar has a habit of reaching over 40’C. Celsius! Not Fahrenheit. Celsius! That….is…..insane! During the summer months Doha’s temperature varies between 35’C and 47’C. How are the players going to handle that? The standard of football will obviously drop but not only that, there’s a serious question whether this is going to be a safe place to play football. There will need to be water breaks, at least one or two per half, but not only for the players, the fans will need it just as much. There’s a huge health and safety risk here, people will get sunstroke, will dehydrate, and will faint. And these are just the minor health implications! It's alright being a local but what about the supporters who are coming from other nations? Let's say Sweden, they might not be used to the relentless heat of the Middle East.

There’s been talk of moving it to the much cooler Winter period. But that would disrupt every countries league seasons. It’s bad enough when the African Cup of Nations is on never mind a World Cup. I just love the fact that none of this has been brought up, Qatar have just been given the World Cup and now we have to sort it out. If Australia had the World Cup, it would have been in the middle of their Winter. Perfect.

Qatar winning the bid just highlight’s Fifa’s problem. It does make them look corrupt, even if they aren’t. Fifa’s current system is just wrong in my opinion. It encourages bribery and corruption. You literally have to win the vote of a Fifa official, so you go and talk to them and present your bid and hope you sway them into voting for you. So it’s understandable how bribes could exchange palms. At least we can be happy knowing that we didn’t grease them.

Because there are two rounds of voting I often get left confused as there have been cases where officials have voted with one in the first round and with another in the second round. I don’t think they should be allowed to make ‘promises’ to bid teams as it just isn’t right. Maybe Fifa just wanted to punish us for our media, or maybe it was just to embarrass us in front of the world.

Either way, football’s not coming home. Not for a long time.

So long... Partner.

Pixar’s latest masterpiece, Toy Story 3, came out on DVD last week and I really would recommend you grab yourself a copy of it. The last in the trilogy, this movie ties up the franchise neatly and fittingly in a tear jerking finale no one will want to miss.

The story centres around the lives of a group of toys who live with their owner, Andy (no relation). Now, ten years have passed since Toy Story 2; Andy has grown up and is now off to college. Naturally the toys have become seldom used and now take residence in Andy’s toy chest, never to see the light of day again.

Persistently, the toys attempt to get Andy to play with them, but they fail and are grouped together into a trash bag and hauled into the attic, with the exception of Woody who gets special treatment and is placed in the box headed to college. However, the toys don’t make it to the attic, Andy’s meddling mother mistakes them for trash and leaves them on the kerb for collection. I wish we still did that here, all these wheelie bins are doing my head in. But that is a rant for another day...

Anyway, the toys manage to escape the garbage truck of doom and make a break for the garage where they find a donation box to the nearby daycare centre: Sunnyside. The toys decide that being donated to a daycare centre is a lot more fun than being churned up by a garbage truck so they head off to Sunnyside much to the dismay of Woody who can’t get them to believe him that they were meant to be going into the attic.

Watch out, spoilers ahead...

So yes, they head to Sunnyside which appears to be a lovely place of fun and games. Once there they are met with the daycare toys and their leader, Lots-O Huggin’ Bear. Lots-O is an old pink bear toy who smells like strawberries. He was abandoned and replaced by his owner, which leaves him as bitter as a lemon wrapped in spinach served with black coffee. Lots-O seems to be a great host, but he tricks the toys into being ‘played with’ by the ruthless younger kids. Sheriff Woody who has already made an escape by this point is forced to return to rescue them in true Woody fashion.

The movie retains its charm from the previous two, and it does so mainly with the characters involved, both old and new. A lot of characters have been left out of this one, due to Andy getting rid of them at some point or another in the ten years it’s been since Jesse and Bullseye arrived in the bedroom . Wheezy is gone now, as is RC car and Bo Peep. All that remain are Woody, Buzz, Slinky, Rex, Hamm, Jesse, Bullseye, the three eyed aliens from Pizza Planet and Mr and Mrs Potato Head. Incidentally, how did Andy go a decade without getting rid of Mrs Potato Head? Well, whatever.

All of the characters have their original voice actors, with the exception of Slinky who has the experienced Blake Clark replacing the late Jim Varney who sadly died a year after the second movie was released. Tom Hanks is back to play Woody, Tim Allen plays Buzz, Joan Cusack is the rootin' tootin' Jesse and of course John Ratzenburger is Hamm aka Evil Dr Porkchop!

Of the new characters Lots-O is cast brilliantly with Ned Beatty bringing a deep south New Orleans accent to the character making him appear to be trustworthy to all, the audience knows he's a baddie but that voice is just so inviting! The great casting continues: Michael Keaton is in this movie! He plays Ken, who falls madly in love with, yes you guessed it, Barbie. Timothy Dalton plays Mr Pricklepants, Whoopi Goldberg lends her voice to Stretch the octopus, Jeff Garlin is Buttercup, and Kristen Schaal plays Trixie the triceratops. Even Totoro makes an appearance, obviously no voice acting needed there.

The writers at Pixar have a way of creating the best characters in not just animation, but in cinema. Even if these characters already exist (i.e. Ken, Etch-A-Sketch et al), they give them life in a way that only they can. I think their greatest strength though, is appealing to both the kids in the audience and their parents at the same time. And none of their movies have done this quite as much as Toy Story has done.

The movie is a lot darker than its predecessors ever were, a lot more grown up. But this is a good thing. Whereas the first movies were about being friends forever, Toy Story 3 is about saying goodbye. And I defy you not to feel sad about it! The final scene of the movie in which Andy drives away into the horizon leaving his best friends with a new owner wraps up the trilogy perfectly and will hit home to children and adults alike.

There aren’t any new songs in this picture either, none sang by the toys at least. Randy Newman’s ‘You got a friend in me’ is heard at the beginning but there are no new ones, so you might be disappointed if that’s what you came to see, or hear as the case may be. Instead they have been replaced by a lot darker forms of storytelling. Take the climatic escape scene where the gang end up in the trash-processing plant; they fall into the incinerator and pretty much accept their untimely demise, holding hands and waiting for death. Ahem. ‘You got a friend in me, de do do do do de dum’

But for all its differences this manages to stay true to the Toy Story formula, it’s genuinely funny, very well written and has some of the best animation of the modern age. The first scene in the whole movie where Woody, Buzz and Jesse are set on foiling Mr and Mrs Potato Head’s devious scheme on a railroad is just brilliant and deserves an Oscar! Also it has loads of puns…which I like!

I must admit when I saw that Lasseter didn’t direct this one I had my doubts about it. The first Toy Story was his gem and he needed to rescue the second instalment from straight to DVD hell. So when I saw that Lee Unkrich was directing it I was worried. But there was no need, having worked on the previous two and having Lasseter as executive producer, Unkrich ends up directing a fittingly different movie than the other two whilst still keeping it familiar enough not to alienate its audience.

All in all this movie is one of the best of 2010. I’m giving it 5 stars as I think it deserves it. I did enjoy the first two more than this one, but there is nothing about this instalment that I would change. Nothing at all. Okay, I'd bring Wheezy back, but that's all!

Shake 'n Bake.

Hand shake-gate has been back in the footballing news this week after Samir Nasri decided to blank his international team-mate William Gallas before the start of the North London derby at the weekend.

This is only the second time something like this has happened. The only other pre-match hand snub was back in February when Wayne Bridge refused to shake John Terry’s hand because he had an affair with his ex-girlfriend. Remember that?

I don’t really get why players do this. I mean, you’re just shaking hands with a fellow professional, promoting fair-play in the game ahead. It’s not like you have to like that fellow human being or anything, just shake the hand you idiots. Watching Nasri actually walk away from Gallas and hide behind Chamakh was just plain embarrassing. He looked like a weedy child trying to hide from the schoolyard bully. “Oh please William, don’t steal my lunch money.” Moron.

Gallas got the last laugh in the end after his side managed to come back from 2-0 down to win the game 3-2. Making the childish Nasri look a bit of a berk in the process. Speaking of childishness Arsene Wenger’s reaction to the winning goal was to throw his water bottle around like a toddler who didn’t get a tricycle for Christmas.

This is where Arsenal let themselves down. They’re such a great side, with an abundance of quality in their squad, plenty of youth and a great manager. But they ruin it all by acting like children when they lose, or when they head North. Arsene himself has taken part in all these non-handshaking shenanigans before, he refused to shake Mark Hughes hand when his side were dumped out of the Carling Cup by City last season. The rules are you only shake hands when you win, right? He just makes himself look like a sour grape. Shake hands and move on you pathetic idiot.

His side are very good, they have a heck of a lot of pace in there, but because of this he’s left with the by-product of being pretty weak physically. So whenever a side like Blackburn or Wolves rattle them with physical presence and stop them from playing their style of football, Wenger starts complaining again. Maybe it's this that’s gotten through to his players. Well, if it’s okay for him to do it, why can’t they? I’m not Gallas’s biggest fan, but at least he was the bigger man, he offered his hand, Nasri turned it down.

Elsewhere this week: Man City outclassed Fulham at Craven Cottage, which is no small feat. Their camp seemed a little disjointed before the match with Kolo Toure deciding to tell the media that some of his team-mates aren’t pulling their weight and that a lot of them should be paid less. Ironic, considering his brother Yaya takes home the thickest wage packet every week. Nevertheless, City left with three points and four goals.

Liverpool defeated the only team worse than Liverpool, West Ham. Wolves were left floating adrift with the Hammers by another defeat, this time dealt by the ever impressive Blackpool. Stoke continued to impress too with an away win at the Hawthorns, and Brazil defeated Newcastle at the Reebok. The toon desperately tried to take star-man Johan Elmander out of the game, but it was all in vein. Williamson cynically barged through the poor Swede, and subsequently got away with it; Coloccini wasn’t so lucky as a plucky linesman spotted his elbow to Elmander’s face and he was sent marching home. Elmander won the day, bagging his first and second home goals of the season in a 5-1 win.

Manchester United are still fumbling their way to the top, still undefeated, still playing like a broken record. Rooney received a very mixed reception upon entering the fray as a substitute against Wigan. Two headers from Evra and Hernandez finished off Wigan, who ended the match with only nice men. United currently sit in second on goal difference. They have Chelsea to thank for that.

Ray Wilkins revealed himself to be the cat from Hong Kong Phooey when upon leaving the club under mysterious circumstances, Chelsea could only muster a humiliating 3-0 defeat to Sunderland at Stamford Bridge followed by a demoralising defeat to a Lee Bowyer goal at St Andrew’s at the weekend. Chelsea’s mild-mannered janitor, Carlo Ancelotti, is now under pressure and there has been rumours he’ll be finding a P45 in the morning post sooner rather than later.

However, before the mid-week game against Zilina, Ancelotti quashed the rumours saying he’s adamant he is staying at the club at least until his contract expires in 2012, that his side’s poor form has nothing to do with Wilkins’s departure, and he still has full confidence in his team. Chelsea managed to scrape a victory against the Slovakians to break the curse of Ray. For now at least.

Wilkins’s departure is still a confusing one though. Nobody seems to know why it happened. It seems amicable at this point, although Wilkins is now seeking legal advise on what he sees as an unfair dismissal. It doesn’t seem to be a redundancy. Michael Emenalo has been promoted to assistant coach within the club so I’m still bemused as to why it happened.

In the past the Chelsea players have all held him in high esteem, now they’ve all gone a bit quiet. Though it’s unlikely any of them will side with him as they actually play for the club, so that’s hardly surprising. He speaks Italian fluently so I would have thought he would have been invaluable inside the dressing room. It seemed his relationship with Ancelotti was good, but maybe it went sour. Times change. It’s just strange that they’ve done it mid-season, rather than at the start or at the end of it.

They all just need to make friends again. Shake hands you two.

If Radio 2 wore slippers.

You know, I haven’t watched television for a bit. So I thought I’d have a browse on Friday night to see what was gleefully entertaining the nation. I stumbled upon Children in Need! That snuck up on us didn’t it?

I don’t know how I’d managed to forget it was on, but I did. So I was quite surprised when I saw it on the box. I just flicked to BBC One and there he was in all his glory, father to the nation, like an old slipper with a chequered inlay. Terry Wogan in high definition. Bless him.

It’s like the one day a year Britain sees him now, he’s like some sort of softly spoken Irish Santa Claus. He was presenting with Tess Daly who as I write this must be nursing a very painful jaw, she’s be smiling even more than usual on tele this weekend; Children in Need and Strictly. Plastered onto her face, she has the expression of a lonely check-in desk worker at the least busiest airport in the world if Brad Pitt came wandering up with his passport.

All in all it was a decent show, from what I saw of it anyway. Most of it is celebrities generously helping to raise money and then there are always those who are just flogging an album. Mastermind was pretty funny, and Strictly was a lot better with Wogan as a judge. I saw some sort of Eastenders and Coronation Street collaboration which wasn’t actually that good at all but it had a funny moment where Gail and some other woman tried to get one over on each other by saying what they’d been though. A clear mickey take of the writers, well executed. The rest was rubbish.

What else was there? I missed the newsreaders do their usual dance about. How did I manage that? I’ll YouTube it…

Yeah it was pretty average, looks like this year they went with a Lady Gaga theme. Nobody dressed up as meat, out of respect for Ross Noble (she really is a thief), instead they dressed as a satellite, a cleaner, a microphone and Storm from X-men. It was pretty average, I think the producers knew this as they literally dressed a random guy as a Direct Line red telephone and pushed him onto the stage! Seriously what’s that all about? It wasn’t that funny to be honest, I think the funniest thing about it is the audience’s obvious fatigue about half way through after clapping along to the music, by the end they were clapping as frequently as it rains in the Sahara.

I did manage to see Doctor Who invite a couple of kids into the Tardis for tea, which just sounds wrong but it was actually a really nice piece. After which they showed a sneak peek at the upcoming Christmas special which I wasn’t interested in until I saw who was in it! Michael Gambon! I love Gambon, he is quality, I don’t know how the producers got him but a congratulations is in order! Welcome to the Layer Cake indeed.

After the Doctor they went off to see what people had been up to in your area, which for me was London as I was watching on BBC HD and I’ll be darned if I’m putting in the effort to change to normal BBC One! There really were lots of people generously fundraising, B&Q giving lots of money, and Pudsey himself working in some sort of warehouse in a high-vis vest! Hang on. Why does he need that? Who’s going to miss him? That’s health and safety gone mad! I mean he’s big and yellow for crying out loud! They should make cyclists dress as Pudsey the bear! That’d help me out a bit as all they seem to wear round here is a helmet with a tiny blinking red light on it!

Whatever, it was all ruined anyway when I saw the loathsome annoyance that is… I can’t actually bring myself to write her name. I’ll give you a clue, she works on Radio 1, she did Top of the Pops and she did a Nintendo DS advert with her mate Holly Willoughby as well. Anyway, she appeared after that so it was time to change channel.

That’s why I missed the newsreaders!

Well it didn’t turn out to be the best idea I’ve ever had anyway as all you do is end up on ITV watching adverts. And yes I’m greeted with the usual DFS advert. Another sale? Wow, who’d have thought it! It’s not the same sodding sale you’ve had all year round is it?! This isn’t even the annoying part. The annoying part is it’s November 19th, 35 days away from December 25th and it‘s a Christmassy advert!

Every year it seems to get earlier and earlier. This year has to be a new record for me. On October 8th I heard a Christmassy advert on the radio. 78 days before the actual day! I’ve no idea what it was about now but yes jingle bells and all that, for crying out loud it’s ages away! It drives me insane! I know people who have their Christmas tree up already! What’s the bloody point? You might as well just leave it up from last year!

That’s all you get, once the calendar flips over from September to October. Christmas thrown in your gormless face like a soggy custard pie. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas, it’s probably the best day ever, even if it isn’t as good as it was when you were a kid. It’s just that I only really start to feel Christmassy a little into December, because, well, that’s when Christmas is! All the promotion and constant barrage of the Pogues just ends up making it anti-climatic rather than the crescendo it’s supposed to be.

I just want to walk into a shop in November and not be treated to Noddy Holder shouting “It’s Chriiiiiiiistmassss!” at me. That’d be nice. And I’d love to turn on the TV without seeing Peter Kay dressing up with the M&S girls at a party with Jamie Redknapp on the decks. Yes, you haven’t read that wrong, it exists. It really does. Well it beats webuyanycar at least. God help us if they make a Christmas advert.

Oh well, it’s not like I have anything to do with deciding when Christmas starts. That’s Coca Cola’s job. This year they have decided upon November 12th to kick of the merriness with their ‘Holidays are coming’ advert. Holidays. What is that about? This isn’t America. We need our own version of it here in Britain where Terry Wogan drives it round wearing a cardigan, no pants and slippers smoking a pipe throwing Boots 3 for 2 deals at people as he drives by. Much more realistic. Oh well, such is life.

Happy Holidays one and all.

***

I'll post the Marks and Spencer advert below, see if you can spot Peter Kay's body double.

Vive les étudiants!

I turned on the news this week to find the French out in force again. Taking to the streets rioting, destroying buildings, injuring each other. They’re absolute maniacs, you can say what you like about them but at least they have some fight left in them!

But then on closer inspection, after reading BBC News’ ticker, I found that these weren’t images of the French at all, they were Brits! Actual Brits doing something about the gigantic cuts. These Brits were, of course, students. It was only a matter of time before someone got up and did something, rather than taking the beating lying down like everyone else seems to. In the 80s it was the miners, last Wednesday it was the students.

In a nutshell around 50,000 students and lecturers marched through Westminster peacefully until a small group burst forwards holding aloft an effigy which was obviously burned to a cinder much to the applause of the crowd. After that happened it all got a bit ugly. You know once you see someone in a balaclava that it isn’t going to end particularly well.

And it didn’t. Placards were burned resulting in masses of smoke covering the crowds, and the protestors somehow smashed their way into the Conservative Headquarters, where staff were evacuated. Some clowns even got on to the roof and decided to launch a fire-extinguisher from up high. It was ugly, well by British standards it was ugly.

The images were quite interesting to watch, mainly because there was such a diverse bunch of people involved. There were the extremists in their balaclavas and there were regular students responding to what they were witnessing, some with excitement, others with infinite fear. No one really knew how to respond. Those who did respond did so with violence, which pretty much ruined it for everyone.

Naturally people have condemned them for their actions, mostly the Daily Mail’s readership but others have too. The president of the NUS, Aaron Porter, came out and said none of these events were planned: “This action was by others who have come out and used this opportunity to hijack a peaceful protest.” It is true, you can’t just blame students for all of this, it was the work of a minority who may or may not have been students. Although some unions have come forward and refused to condemn their actions.

The newspapers were full of it, everyone was talking about it, radio phone ins became popular again. People seem split on the issue, some branding it a disgrace, others saying they were left with no choice. I personally think, though they were wrong to go as far as they did, it was okay for them to show some aggression. After all, we’ve had countless protests from students in the past. Try to name one. Difficult isn’t it? That’s because all that happens is a peaceful stroll through Westminster, followed by everyone going home, having tea and resuming their lives, changing absolutely nothing, solving absolutely nothing. It seems sometimes this violence is the only way to get noticed. If there was no aggression on Wednesday where would this story be? Page 36? It probably wouldn’t even have run on some news networks. Becoming aggressive forces the media to turn its ugly head and take notice.

And everyone noticed. Even mayor Boris was forced into action saying he was: “appalled that a small minority have today shamefully abused their right to protest” and that those involved would “face the full force of the law.” I’m sure they’re quaking in their boots Boris. This is a justice system that gives a paedophile 18 months behind bars for grooming and sexually assaulting a girl under the age of thirteen.

Nobody agrees with the fire-extinguisher incident. But who really cares if a bunch of students vandalised the Conservative HQ? It’s covered on insurance isn’t it? I do feel sorry for the 50,000 students who were there as most of them were peaceful in their protest but now, because of a small minority, they’re all labelled as scum. I have to say it was amusing seeing the police doing seemingly nothing about it, having to ask nicely for the students to get off the rooftop. They were so timid they make Mr Jingles look like freaking Danger Mouse!

Of course the police have been criticised for not having enough numbers, which I find ironic. All that does is subconsciously highlight the strain they’re going to feel soon enough when an estimated 40,000 to 60,000 jobs could disappear. Ouch.

If they allowed it to happen, who could blame them? They could be out of a job before Christmas, is it worth putting yourself in danger for that? Is it worth putting yourself in danger for anything? Take the military, they’re out there fighting for our country and dying for our country, and what do they get in return when they come home? A P45 of course! More ouch.

In the end, these events have brought forward the cause of the students in the country, exposing further the deep cuts that are being sliced through the education sector. It is probably the most dangerous budget to cut, because you are literally dicing with the future. Future doctors, teachers, nurses, scientists, police, civil servants, and all other professions are all being jeopardised by these cuts and rises in the university fees. The future needs funding or the UK will be in serious trouble in years to come.

In a decades time we could find ourselves in a country where skilled workers are a thing of the past and people will be being immigrated in to fit the requirements of jobs Britons are no longer able to satisfy. It’s easy to see why the students aren’t happy about it, they have every right to feel betrayed, especially by the Liberal Democrats who signed a pledge before the election promising they would not vote in favour of a rise in tuition fees. They’ve changed their tune.

The annoying thing for me is that most the people who sit in parliament making these decisions all received their education for free. So why should new students have to pay for it when they got it for diddly squat? I wonder if the MPs would be in favour of a new piece of legislation saying that all MPs who didn’t have to pay for their tuition will now have to fork out 10% of their wages between now and the end of time. 

Somehow, I don’t think that legislation would be approved.

Poppy Fascism? Poppycock.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of travelling this week. Around my local area, don’t get too excited. So because of this I bought myself a weekly bus pass, meaning I could use the bus an unlimited amount of time. Sounds great, only it isn’t.

I needed to head into the city on Tuesday and instead of getting the train like I would normally do, I decided to get some use out of the weekly bus ticket. I cannot stress this enough: it’s one of the worst decisions I have made this year. And this is a man who willingly watched the Manchester Derby last night. Yep, it was that bad.

Buses, it’s fair to say they’re my least favourite method of transport. The only thing lower would probably be mouse, but at least I could make reference to Uncle Buck. Heck, I’d rather paraglide from place to place. Do the weekly shop on a unicycle. As long as it’s not a bus I couldn’t care less.

I mean, come on, they’re slow, they’re no longer cheap, they have all the charm of an abattoir and the smell isn’t far off that either. So there I am, sat inside what can only be described as a McDonald’s bathroom on wheels, only with slightly worse hygiene, and obviously I instantly start regretting the decision.

Naturally I start to look around for something to pass the time. Adverts, fantastic! One very condescending piece from the nhs, another from what looks like the police, and one that says “Some people are gay. Get over it.” Good point advertisement, well made. Okay, that took 14 seconds, crap I am so screwed.

And then I saw it. The most glorious thing introduced to public transport since seats. It sat there, one seat from me. The Metro! As soon as I saw it I grabbed it, thank you Lord! Now, the Metro is hardly the best and mightiest journalism you’ll find this side of the equator; their stories are usually a couple of days old, and sometimes they don’t have the whole football result because it went into extra time, which I find hilarious, but when you’re sat on a bus or train and your ipod just won’t cut it anymore, it’s as good as the freaking New York Times.

So I’m flicking through the paper, and there’s nothing really to shout about in the news, a bloody great big advert from the Kinect (fed up of that yet?), a piece on some crap boy band called One Direction, and then I saw a headline that caught my eye.

“Don‘t wear a poppy, shop worker told.”

Great, as if I’m not depressed enough sat on this bus with a Oscar the Grouch, now I see a story like this. The best thing to do would be to just turn the page and not read on. But annoyingly I did.

The story is about a shop worker, Harriet Phipps who was told by her manager that she could not wear her poppy as “it’s not uniform or company policy.” Of course she ignored this rule and was warned again about the matter the next time she did it. Harriet said she was disgusted, and frankly, so am I. It really annoys me when companies do this to people. Like when British Airways told a check-in worker she couldn’t wear a cross showing her faith. I hate it when companies literally say: “we don’t want you as a person to work for us, we want a robot, we’ll then paint the robot as we see fit and programme it to do our bidding.”

These are real people, who are the lifeblood of these companies, and they get treated with absolute disrespect. The shop Harriet Phipps works for? Hollister. Owned by Abercrombie & Fitch. Yes, the same Abercrombie & Fitch who told a shop worker she had to work in the back because she didn’t fit ‘the look’ of their store. Why didn’t she fit ‘the look’? She had a prosthetic limb.

But the main issue that keeps on cropping up in recent years is the whole poppy debate and this isn’t the only story that’s cropped up this week. Jon Snow has been in the news again, he won’t wear one on air but does wear one privately. And everyone’s up in arms about it. But then again people have been complaining about Andrew Marr wearing one too early. We do love a good moan here in Britain. If everyone was given a £2000 tax-rebate we’d still moan that we had to walk to the Post Office to collect it.

Snow calls the backlash ’poppy fascism’, he doesn’t believe in wearing symbols on air. Whether it be a poppy or an AIDS ribbon, he wont wear one. I can understand where he’s coming from, but I just think the poppy is something different to all the other badges you can wear. It’s worn in remembrance, it's not a symbol of war or of anything for that matter. It honours those who have died protecting our nation.

I heard someone say the other day that they wont wear a poppy because they won’t fund ‘Blair’s war’. It reminds me of the Celtic match last week where a banner was propped up amongst the fans saying: “Your deeds would shame all the devils in hell. Ireland. Iraq. Afghanistan. No bloodstained poppy on our hoops.”

Some people are so blind. People refusing to wear them because they believe if they do they are promoting wars, whether they’re right or wrong. These people are idiots. You don’t wear a poppy to let everyone know you are pro-war, or that you believe Blair was right to follow Bush into battle. That‘s so ridiculous! It represents the soldiers who’ve been their! The money raised by purchasing a poppy goes straight into supporting these brave men and women (and their families) who live and die in a war zone just so we can live this supposedly hard-life here at home.

And that’s the main thing that annoys me; the short-sightedness of it all. As if we wear a poppy to honour those who are fighting or have died in Afghanistan and Iraq. The poppy represents more than just that. It represents everyone, everyone who has ever fought in a war, whether it be right now in Afghanistan, or back in the First and Second World Wars.

It doesn’t matter when or why we went to war. What matters are these honourable men and women served and still serve our nation and our allies’ for us to live a normal life. Some might not have believed in the war, and they fought regardless. Some were forced to fight, and they fought regardless. Some were even children, and they fought regardless.

Naturally after thinking about all this on a rammed bus in a traffic jam it puts it all in perspective. Yes, this bus idea was the worst decision of the year, but at least I can make these decisions. If it wasn’t for the heroes who’ve fought and died for us I don’t even think I would have that.