Death by Sofa.

Christmas is all wrapped up and done with now so turning on the television is officially outlawed just on the off chance that someone left it on ITV.

If you’re unfortunate enough to be in ITV’s demographic, then you’ll feel my everlasting post-Christmas pain. Every year it’s sale sale sale! And what could you possibly want after Christmas? A sofa of course! Why is it after Christmas they think people will be after sofas, or beds for that matter!? Where is the logic? Have people been sleeping on newspaper for the past twelve months or something? “Oh look darling, turns out beds are readily available now! Hooray!” I mean, don't people usually watch TV whilst sat on a sofa? Maybe people spill red wine on everything over Christmas and need new ones, even so I’m sure Cillit Bang would get rid of it.

I think people are trying to avoid the inevitable VAT increase coming in January, because the sales this year have been served with an extra portion of insanity! People are mad, bonkers, loopy, crackers, off their rocker, and they need help! Who in their right mind would queue up in the hours seen only by owls and insomniacs, all the way down the high street in bitterly cold surroundings to be greeted only by a puddle and a drunken tramp? All to buy the tat the shops couldn’t sell throughout the year.

The very same shops that still make money selling the tat for half price. How much do they make when they’re selling at 100%, interesting thought. Either way in 2011 you’ll be paying 20% VAT on said tat, instead of 17.5% 2010 was plonking on top of it. I’m not entirely sure if shoppers will be deterred from the high street because of the extra 2.5%, they probably won’t be, which will delight Gideon no end I'm sure.

The big shops are still advertising though, Argos, Tesco, and many others are still trying to catch your attention coming into the new year. And it just wouldn’t be right if M&S weren’t ramming themselves down your throat with their pretentious adverts featuring that pervy woman. God help us, there’s another ad you’ll find on dear old ITV.

As I said, for your own safety you should outlaw television post-Christmas, and if you really must watch it, for the love of God make sure you don’t leave it on ITV. It's bad enough that they have nothing to watch on it, why do they have to torture us with their bloody annoying adverts as well? If I bought everything that was advertised during a normal ad-break on tele at the moment I’d come out with three sofas, a double bed, a Nintendo Wii game and a side helping of car insurance. All of which I would not need. But I’d take the Wii game, why not, and you don’t even need a sofa to play on it! Brilliant!

Happy New Year! Keep spending everyone, Gideon needs it.