Surprise Surprise.

Earlier this week I was sat at home minding my own business browsing the BBC News website when I came across a story so shocking I had to put down my brew to avoid any unnecessary scolding.

Cambridge ‘planning to raise fees to £9,000’

Are they serious!? The government raise the maximum cap to £9,000 and Cambridge have decided to up theirs to that very figure!? I don’t think any of us saw that one coming. Obviously taken aback by this momentous piece of shocking news, I took a moment to just gather my thoughts, take a few deep breaths and continue reading.

Apparently it’s going to be across all courses as the university is strapped for cash and needs the money to pay the poor people to mow the many lawns and trim the hedges so the students can ever so nonchalantly lay about and eat strawberries while the rest of the world earns a living.

Scary stuff. But later that afternoon I was hit again, by the very same website! Like a double barrelled shotgun shell exploding in my poor morose face, BBC News plonked the following news story onto their main page.

Oxford heads towards maximum fee.

Lucky for me there was no brew in hand as if there was I very much doubt I could have managed to read this without scolding my nether-regions. I can’t believe it. Oxford of all places charging the maximum fee. Who’d have thought it? At this point I started to doubt the source. Maybe I’d logged onto SkyNews instead by mistake. No, it’s definitely the BBC. Hm, ah! It must be April 1st! Ah good one Auntie Beeb, you really got me going there! No… it’s February. What in the name of all that is caviar is going on?

Some Oxford professor called Tony Monaco, whose name says it all really, came out to let everyone know that the university needed to charge at least £8,000 to make up for the bucket loads of cash that will no longer be thrown at them by the government.

Professor Monaco, whose wage has more zeros in it than a tin of Heinz spaghetti hoops, went on to say Oxford has no other option but to raise the fees, waggling his index finger at the cuts to funding and teaching done by the Tories like a pathetic child with crumbs all over his face blaming the dog.

But what about the less well-off people? I hear you ask. Well it’s not all bad news as there is talk about allowing them into these plush universities at a reduced rate. It’s probably going to be means tested in which you, the poor student, walk into Oxford or Cambridge and are greeted by a Parker pen and a questionnaire, where you will find the following:

Do your parents earn enough money to send you to this institution?
A) Yes
B) No

If you answered yes: Welcome aboard. Please hand this form in to the smiling lady standing opposite you and enjoy a nice hot beverage of your choice.

If you answered no: GET OUT!!! There is a smiling lady in front if you, give her this questionnaire AND the pen and GET OUT!!! Do NOT even consider stealing the pen, we know what your kind are like! This isn’t Argos! (If you answered yes and are reading this please be assured that the pen will be thoroughly washed.)

Nick Clegg was thrown into a pit of angry students on Wednesday where he was called a sell-out for the umpteenth time. He fought his corner saying it isn’t the universities decision to make and they need to get permission from the government first; to get that they need to make opportunities for the less privileged. So there is talk of Cambridge offering £1,625 to the poorest students while Oxford are talking about maybe even topping their rivals and giving £3000 off. I think Clegg is a little naïve in thinking the government has any say in this. These bursaries won't be enough, but I wouldn’t expect them to be changed. They’re prestige universities, they can do what they like.

If these meagre bursaries are taken up though, you will be required to wear a red cone on your head, indicating your lower social standing, so that the rest of the students can identify you easily. They don’t want them mixing now do they? Let alone breeding?! Imagine that.

I don’t really think those bursaries are going to help that much, even if they are improved. It’s a ridiculous gamble to spend that amount of money on a degree. But unfortunately it’s a gamble the poorer members of society have to weigh up, while the richer members don’t have to give it a second thought. Just think of all the lost talent the country will lose simply because they don’t have the money. Even worse, think of all the talentless idiots who will end up in top-jobs simply because they do have the money.