Well the end of January was one to remember wasn’t it? Egyptians took to the streets in order to remove president Mubarak from power, Nelson Mandela was released from hospital after a long illness, and back home Gideon Osborne told us all a story about how the weather is becoming a terrorist threat, contracting the economy by 0.5%. Sorry, but if a bit of snow caused our economy to contract then Australia is about to fold indefinitely.
But let’s face it, no one knows anything about any of that, because who has been watching BBC News 24? Nobody. Everyone was glued to Sky Sports News watching as they slowly and ever so painfully ticked down the nanoseconds until the end of the world, or the closing of a window, one of the two.
Yes, January 31st always has a big red circle etched around it on Sky Sport’s Soccerette wall calendar. It’s a day where football fans across Britain are glued to their sets watching for any slight titbit of news like a mind-bending tweet from Rio Ferdinand or a League 2 player being seen in a nearby petting zoo.
The presenters love it almost just as much. Getting the January 31st shift on Sky Sports News is like finding a Lego Star Wars set inside a Kinder Surprise! It really is the best day of their lives! For one day, and one day only, they don’t have to repeat themselves over and over and over again. Sky Sports News is usually the most boring thing you can watch on television, normally the most exciting thing you’ll see is a new accident helpline advert. But January 31st is different; things actually happen! Well sort of.
I say stuff happens, nothing really happens, but they can pretend that it does! For example, Fernando Torres seen in a car near London; you can get a good hour talking about that, and when that story gets old some randomer will text in saying they’ve seen Ronaldinho down the cereal isle in Waitrose, Ipswich! It truly is gripping stuff.
However, for the real in-depth information, otherwise known as the pointless speculative drivel, they send out their army of reporters to stand outside football stadiums or training grounds with a microphone and a fishing rod in order to attempt to catch any form of story. All you really see though are random cars drive past that could contain a footballer, and that speculation is all they need. “Could that be Andy Carroll inside, I wonder” they say, well I suppose it could be. It could also be Terry Wogan, Mr Blobby, or a mum of three on the school run. But yes, you’re right it could also be Andy Carroll.
I love the reporters, they’re clearly bored out of their skull standing there in the cold. The real entertainment is found when the camera cuts to them before they realise and they’re stood there all miserable moaning at the cameraman. It’s a joy to behold. I certainly wouldn’t want to be stood outside a training facility on a cold Monday afternoon either. It’s fun to see how they suddenly go from being Mr. Miserable to Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky in an instant. As if they’re actually enjoying being stood outside West Ham’s training facility.
Well, I say training facility but in reality it could be anywhere. All you see is a gate with a car park in the background. For all you know it could just be a B&Q Warehouse! Sometimes the odd fan can walk past and they’ll ask them their opinion on a transfer, but they should stop doing this as they seem to always find the biggest idiot in the entire city. Think about it, if you’re spending your afternoon wandering around a football ground and you are not a tourist, then you’re not really going to be deemed that intelligent are you? But still they persist in asking them their expert opinion which usually consists of them hating some player or wanting their club to win a trophy. Yawn.
As the day gains momentum though and more and more deals are done it starts to get a bit tense. It gets to the final hour and everyone seems to start panicking about pointless deals that no one really cares about. On the last minute Andy Carroll made a big money move from Newcastle to Liverpool for over £30 million! I found this to be hilarious; they sell Torres for 50 million and then proceed to waste over 60% of it on a long haired version of Michael Chopra! Ah well such is life I suppose.
Carroll isn’t the only new arrival on Merseyside, Luis Suarez signed for £23 million from Ajax as well. I don’t know where Liverpool found this money, when Roy Hodgson was there they had to make do with freebies like Joe Cole, only amassing enough cash to get Paul Konchesky to sign for them! Now all of a sudden they can afford Suarez and Carroll. Makes sense to me.
But I suppose the big spenders in this window were Chelsea. It wouldn’t be a transfer window without them now would it? As I said earlier, £50 million on Fernando Torres. This really has been the year of the over-rated. Andy Carroll has had a decent season so far, but over £30 million!? I wouldn’t pay over twenty for him. Fernando Torres, a man who hasn’t had a good season in years, sitting at the bottom of a trough like a disused screwdriver with a broken handle, goes for 50 million quid. Unbelievable.
People are saying he’s only been bad because he’s been stuck at Liverpool, and yes to some degree they’re right. But did you see him at the World Cup? My genuine theory is that he has an evil twin who has basically kidnapped his brother, Fernando, and forced him to work on a farm in the Himalayas while he takes his place as a footballer. Think about it, it certainly explains the hair cut.
It still amazes me how football clubs can spend these ridiculous fees on possibly the most pointless things in the world: footballers. While Britain struggles to string two fifty pence pieces together, football clubs pay other football clubs (and of course agents) millions of pounds as if they were dishing out Smarties in the playground! I just find it bizarre that people sit in these boardrooms with a massive pile of money sat behind them, looking out upon the world, watching it die before their very eyes, and what do they do? They take £50 million and spend it on a footballer. Good one.
You could have built a hospital, schools in Africa, given aid to Haiti, and still have enough change left to buy seventeen guide dogs. But no, you’re right, a footballer is much more worth while, I mean you guys really do need to win that pointless trophy so £50 million is a small price to pay I suppose.
Elsewhere this transfer window, Darren Bent moved to Aston Villa in odd circumstances; Kenny Dalglish claimed Ryan Babel was staying only to sell him to Hoffenheim twenty minutes later; and Manchester City called Wolfsburg and asked how much they'd like for Dzeko. £27 million? Would you prefer cash or cheque? In more positive news though Blackpool held on to pretty much everyone and El-Hadji Diouf has left the English Premier League. There really is a God. Unlucky Scotland.
Now it’s all over and done with Sky Sports News is back to its usual routine: read out one hour’s worth of ‘news’ and repeat 23 times. At least people can now start paying more attention to the real things going on in the world. I suppose Gideon Osborne will be happy about the transfer window though, it takes the spotlight off him for a short while. My advice to him is to get to the Himalayas and find Fernando Torres. He’s worth £50 million! Just think how much we could reduce the deficit with that!
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