Recently I’ve found myself getting bored. I’ve spent the morning wandering my house looking for something to tidy only to end up more bored sat in front of ESPN watching United play Bolton. Now this tedious boredom I keep encountering may or may not link in to the fact that there is nothing to look forward to in the movie world.
I mean, as soon as the credits rolled for Scott Pilgrim, that was it. It was the moment I looked up and bemoaned the fact that there is now no film to look forward to between me walking over the sticky floors at the cinema complex on the way out and Rudolph laying his front two hoofs down onto my snowy rooftop. I know this as I’ve been punctual enough to see the trailers at the start of recent films I’ve watched. Which for me is usually a rare thing.
If you’ve been the same you’re likely to agree with me. Most trailers have done nothing but bore me, or frustrate me. Now alright to be fair not all of them are going to be aimed at me. I went to see Toy Story 3 for example, so I’m not likely to want to go and see Diary of a Wimpy Kid, a movie in which said wimpy kid gets bullied by stereotypical fat bullies and forced to eat cheese from the tarmac of the playground or something; or The Owls of Ga’Hoole, a movie in which said owls fly across the world in order to stop something, I don’t know I wasn’t paying attention!
But there are some lazy movies that are supposedly aimed at me, or at least a similar demographic to me. Most of which still seem to be trying to sell themselves with the 3D suffix plonked on the end of the movie title. Currently out in cinemas right now is Resident Evil: Afterlife (3D). Not only is this movie series beyond awful, which is frustrating enough as the games are actually quite decent, but they’re just frustrating the hell out of me by continuingly bringing out sequels to it. Who is watching this crap? Who!? Whoever it is needs to be stopped, they’re the T-virus of the movie world, seemingly crushed only to re-appear in the next game, I mean movie. Well at least its giving Milla Jovovich something to do.
Speaking of sequels, coming up later this year is the eighty first instalment of Saw (3D). This dead horse surely, surely, cannot be flogged any more. It doesn’t even resemble a horse anymore, it’s been flogged so much all that’s left is an arching tube, which I can only assume is its spine, and what looks like a wafting carrier bag dangling from one end. Please stop making this movie. Please. Poor Sea-biscuit.
Another brainless sequel is that of Jackass (3D). Another instalment of a bunch of tools finding ways in which to hurt themselves using generic equipment such as shopping trolleys and paintball guns. I don’t really have to go on, you know what it is, just save yourself eight quid and watch MTV2.
So if you’re not into sequels where do you turn to? Well before you head for the nearest gun shop let me fill you in on the non-sequential movies coming out in a theatre near you very soon.
First up, it’s Charlie St. Cloud starring Zach Efron. No come back! I saw this trailer at the cinemas for the first time and I was actually pleasantly surprised by it. Zach Efron has a kid brother, Sam (who is the spitting image of the kid-now adult from Two and a Half Men), who he vows to spend more time with playing catch and such. Seconds later he carelessly crashes his car killing Sam during some very dramatic camera work. Cut to the funeral and Zach breaks down and heads into the forest with Sam’s glove, where he meets, yes you’ve guessed it, Sam! He then proceeds to play catch and be with Sam. Yay.
Looks like we have a great drama on our hands here. Wrong! The film is then ruined! Ruined! By the director's true motives. It’s a freaking love story, nay, a romantic comedy-esque drivel-fest, argh I hate you! After we see Zachy boy play with Sam in the forest we then see him randomly hanging around a dock where he meets a girl who is on one of the boats. Game over! Just stop watching, you know where this film is going now. It’s been derailed and its heading to movie hell as now the main storyline is whether or not Zach can be with sailor girl and still keep Sam. How pathetic, it looked like this movie was actually going to be a thought provoking drama. Instead it turns out to be another pointless Zach Efron movie. Sorry I called you back.
The thing that annoys me the most about this movie is the unrealistic nature of it. Okay so Zach can see Sam, who’s dead, that’s a little unrealistic, but I‘m fine with it. Yet in one scene, after Sam’s death, Zach goes to a bar, presumably to drown his woes. A young black man hands him another drink saying “have another, it’s not like there’s a big demand for you as a driver.” Who…Says…That!? Who!? In what universe does anyone say that to someone in his situation? Not only that but he seems surprised to get a punch in the face! It’s just unbelievable! So unbelievable that if Chris Kamara watched this movie he’d bloody well explode!
I’m afraid that’s pretty much it, there’s the story of Facebook with The Social Network, the trailer for which is just as dull as you’d expect. In a nutshell Justin Timberlake ‘likes’ himself. Vampires Suck represents the American teen movie of 2010. I’m all for a bit of Twilight bashing but please stay away if you value your integrity. And of course there’s the final instalment of Harry Potter where Harry, now 38 years old, has one final showdown with He Who Shall Not Be Named (Ralph Fiennes). In two parts. Seriously, this is how arrogant Warner Bros are. They can literally charge you twice to see this movie. One last money spinner I suppose, until J.K. Rowling writes more about him. Thank God for Christopher Nolan.
It’s not all bad though. Ben Affleck looks like he’s done a good job directing and starring in The Town. A crime drama starring Rebecca Hall, Jeremy Renner, and Madmen’s Jon Hamm alongside Affleck. Hopefully it’s good. It should at least rid him of the horrible stench Gigli left.
So yes, that’s about all. One movie that you might want to check out between now and Christmas. Brilliant. Looks like the best movies will be out on DVD: Iron Man 2 for one, and of course there’s Inception, in which I will be getting the 63 disc special edition! I certainly won't be gracing the cinemas with many appearances anyway, anyone fancy a game of Halo: Reach?
***
United drew by the way. Typical.
I've included the tralier for Charlie St. Cloud for your viewing pleasue. Yes that is Ray Liotta.
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