Homo Stultus Vulgaris

Last weekend I went on a night out into the great city of Manchester, something I rarely do considering it’s ridiculously expensive and heavily over-rated but nevertheless it happened.

The night itself wasn’t too bad and was largely enjoyable, however there is always a problem with going out on these excursions: transport.

Getting there is easy enough, you simply go to the train station and get on a train. Sure they’re packed out to the point where if there were a fire everyone would die a horrible horrible death as they scrambled around trampling people underfoot, but they get you from A to B fairly quickly and cheaply.

When I first got on the train last night it was fairly empty and the next stop provided some laughs when some of the whitest kids I’ve ever seen got onboard. One of them declared that he was “free trippin’” while another sang that “the feds can‘t catch up ta us” which is probably a hit song by some gangster rapper called T-Wayne Rida.

I love these kids. They’re just so loveable. I love the way they wear baggy pants with big lumbering Nike shoes, a tracksuit top and of course a baseball cap turned awkwardly to the side. They are the jesters of Britain, and I personally love them. Along the way one of them even said “blat blat!” how adorable is that?!

Contrast this journey with my journey home and you’ll find a gaping chasm in likeability. When the night is over you’re left with two choices: pay a thieving black-cab driver £30 to take you within walking distance from your house (I never quite get to my actual house, once the meter hits £30 I bail), or get the dreaded night bus.

I chose the night bus.

You pay £2.50, it’s good for your bank balance, but terrible for your mental health. Of course it’s a service that takes people home from a night out so obviously they’re all drunk. I was hardly tipsy, which made the experience so much worse.

As the bus pulled of a lot of noise could be heard from upstairs which is pretty normal for a night bus, so I thought little of it. However, after a while some guy came downstairs clutching his jaw. Brilliant. The bus pulled in at the next stop and a herd of despots came tumbling down the stairs shouting and screaming about how they’re going to kick someone’s head in or whatever. One threatens to stab a random passenger who does pretty well to just stay calm and then they all just fight each other some more before falling off the bus and being left behind. Welcome to Britain.

It’s pretty depressing really as when you look at these idiots you realise just how bad a state the country is in socially. Of course alcohol was probably a large factor in these morons fighting one another but the problem is a lot deeper than that. What are these people contributing to British society? Heck, what are the contributing full stop?

I sat there once again disappointed with the human race; grown men, older than me, fighting like children outside the school gates. But then I realised something: why be disappointed? They’re not humans, they’re animals. I don’t get disappointed when a dog takes a dump outside Sainsbury‘s or when a seagull nicks off with a cone of chips; they’re animals, it’s what they do.

So here’s a new species who I suppose we have to call thugs. They essentially sit between chimpanzee and human, which would make them Neanderthals I suppose. Yes, these ‘people’ are the new Neanderthals! I suppose that is a little bit harsh, to be fair to the Neanderthals they we’re quite intelligent. I suppose it’s more accurate to place them somewhere between Neanderthal and chimp.

I don’t know why it’s happened, be it a deep sociological reason, the lazy culture that’s swept modern Britain, or just simply interbreeding, whatever has happened they exist, and so long as God keeps providing them with reproductive organs they’re here to stay, to kick in bus stops and mug your Nan.

As humans, we all have these animalistic desires and needs, however as we’ve evolved we’ve managed to control them quite easily. Some of us….haven’t. I would argue that those who fight about nothing on a bus, people who become hostile over a football result, women beaters and the like just haven’t evolved correctly. They struggle to be civilised when sober so when given a tiny drop of alcohol they might as well be sat on your car bonnet messing about with your window wipers.

I suppose during the event I was disappointed, but now in retrospect I can feel proud of humanity. Everyone on the bus just calmly looked on as these cretins scuffled with each other like gibbons in a fishtank. Thank God most of us aren’t like them, thank God most of us can handle our drink, thank God most of us are civilised.

Naturally it did put a bit of a damper on my night out, as most night-buses do. I just hope that the white boys I saw earlier in the night don’t grow up to be like the moronic thugs I came across at the end of it.

Oh and by-the-by, the feds did catch up ta dem.