The royal wedding is fast approaching, so far I’ve been lucky enough to escape the media coverage, but this week it is impossible to avoid. Absolutely impossible. It’s all starting to feel a bit like Glastonbury with people pitching up little tents along the streets of London, the brave little blighters.
I don’t really mind the royal wedding to be fair, I don’t dislike the royals and I don’t dislike the fact that the future prince is marrying. But my God, do we have to have constant wall-to-wall coverage of the royal wedding on every channel!? I wouldn’t be surprised to turn on Cartoon Network and find Ben 10 stood outside Buckingham palace telling me which Hanna-Barbera characters haven’t been invited.
It’s just endless drivel. A constant barrage of pointless regurgitated nonsense. Why oh why do we need to know where they are getting the napkins from? Well I suppose it’s great advertisement, apparently whatever Kate decides to wear sells out in seconds across the nation. See, I don’t think she’s realised her power yet. Would I be buying some boring top from a catalogue? No, if I was in her position I’d be dressing up like Lady Gaga’s Mexican cousin and accessorising the look with ridiculous rollerblades holding a flag saying ‘rollerblading is cool now, suck it skateboarders’. Such a missed opportunity.
Even BBC’s royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell is bored to death of it all. Every news bulletin you see goes to him and he looks and sounds so uninterested that Heat magazine is starting to look exciting to the poor guy. Then again though, I don’t really have much sympathy for him. He’s the royal correspondent for crying out loud! Why doesn’t he just do his job and stop complaining. What is it with him? Did he book a holiday to the Seychelles on Friday 29th or something?
The worst part of all the coverage though has got to be the constant clutch of straws the media are doing to link Kate Middleton to Diana. Every second sentence mentions her. Kate was this age when she married, Diana was this age. Both drove cars themselves without a chauffeur. Yes, I can see the striking similarities. Sigh. Kate Middleton is not Dianna. Diana is Diana, stop making stupid comparisons between the two!
But that’s just it, nobody has a clue about Kate Middleton at all. Who the hell is she? Did she win a reality TV show? Britain’s Got Princesses or something? I actually don’t think I’ve heard her utter one single syllable! She could sound like Kermit the Frog for all I know! In an attempt to find out who she is I’ve scoured everywhere looking for information and I didn’t exactly have to look far. But it does seem like she’s very well known for tossing pancakes as that’s all I find through Google. Maybe she was on that talent show after all.
I caught a glimpse of a show on the elusive princess-to-be by the ever unenthusiastic Mr. Witchell who pointed out that if you go back just a few generations on her mother’s side, you will find a horrible truth: her family lived and worked in a ‘pit village’! He says this with a tone of voice that is the linguistic equivalent of him standing in front of camera and peeling a big sweaty piece of chewing gum from under his perfectly polished right shoe with the grimace usually reserved for his chimney sweep when he leaves a scuff mark on his fireplace.
I mean, my God is this what the BBC think of the working class!? It felt like the undertone of the show was to suggest that Kate is nowhere near the standing of William and shouldn’t even be conversing with him let alone marrying him! From where I stand I think she seems quite well-off to be honest. I hope that doesn’t make me a complete and utter plebe.
Okay, so I don’t know much about Kate at all, but she seems like a decent girl, and quite frankly young girls are in desperate need of an actual role model these days. In a world where sleeping with a footballer is displayed as the holy grail for a young woman and looking in Jordan’s autobiography for inspiration is seen as normal, we are in desperate need of someone to actually be a good role model for young girls to look up to and aspire to be like. There’s only so far you can get in life when you look up to Kerry Katona.
It’s not just the media getting involved though, there’s also been the inevitable right royal cash-ins. T-Mobile have released that dancing advert that’s spreading round YouTube like a bunch of thirteen year olds driving a car singing about Friday. But this cash-in pales in comparison to the simply awful movie: William and Kate which aired on Channel 5 and failed to attract more viewers than the snooker did. Featured in the movie is some pretty awful acting by the look-alikes and a palm tree in Scotland, yes it was filmed on location…in Los Angeles. To be honest, I want to see it, it look absolutely hilarious!
Whether you like it or not, royal fever has well and truly taken over. I know it’s costing an absolute shed-load of cash, but it probably boosts our economy some way or another. Somehow I think we need to do more! Check out the Americans, they’re obsessed with the royal family, all be it in a very patronising way, but obsessed none the less. Maybe we should be putting this on HBO, make some PPV dough out of this wedding of the year! We’re missing a trick here! MTV wouldn’t let this happen.
Anyway, while the television media are still relentlessly dishing out the drivel, the papers are starting to get bored of it. They’ve moved on to talking about sexism in the royal family now. Apparently Britain’s Got Princesses will now need to change its name to Britain’s Got Queens as now there’s talk of applying more Tipp-Ex to that age-old royal rulebook and make it possible for first born daughters to be able to take the thrown. Seems fairly reasonable but I suppose this is like saying Jerry should be chasing Tom to a royalist.
To be honest, I’m so bored of it that I’d be quite happy for the media to just start making stuff up. Turns out Kate Middleton is really a Decepticon sent to Earth disguised as a beautiful woman who seduces and marries a prince, then waits in the wings until she becomes Queen, takes back sovereignty and enslaves the human race.
A bit unrealistic, but more exciting than napkins.
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