We’re a few months into the year now and we’ve been dealt our first superhero movie: I Am Number Four. Well it’s sort of a superhero movie but in truth I don’t really know what genre to put this movie in. It could be a whole range of things.
Upon going to watch this I had no idea about it whatsoever. It’s based on a book that I’ve never heard of let alone read, so really I could have been walking into anything. I hadn’t even seen a trailer for it. I just knew it was about some guy who has superpowers of some sort.
The movie begins with an incredibly long shot, no really, incredibly long. Think Mars and you’re close. For some reason the shot starts in outer space and shoots down to earth and into the jungle where it proceeds to run through the trees like a speeder bike from Star Wars until it reaches a hut and stops at the door. Hm, seems like we are in the eyes of something here, and apparently it’s small enough to fit through the grill on the door. So in goes this strange space mosquito where it finds two people lay in two beds each with mosquito nets over them. Foiled again space mozzy! But no, space mosquito has superpowers and can go through the net! He enters the net and looks right at one of the boys. He wakes up! And it turns out nothing's there its just a camera shot. Okay.
Now all of a sudden one of the boys hears a noise outside. He gets up to check it out, but nothing’s there. Until a giant monster grabs him and drags him outside! The other kid legs it out of his hut and off into the wilderness as he’s chased down by some sort of weird beastly monster. What the hell, this is a monster movie? Man, I was well off.
Anyway he gets killed by these weird thuggish Voldemort people called the Mogadorians. I don’t really know why but he does. Now we cut to three dudes on jet skis doing tricks and looking all cool in front of girls while some corny pop record plays. What type of movie is this!? Superhero? Monster? Teeny-bopper? Anyway it turns out one of these guys is our protagonist, naturally it’s the one who does the biggest flip. And because he does the biggest flip, the hottest girl wants to sleep with him. That be how it works kids, I hope you’re taking notes.
So our hero is just chillin' on the beach with all his good looking friends when his iPhone springs into life with more noise than a brass band. It’s the hot chick, saying meet me in some generic place where we can be alone or some crap like that. So he goes to meet her out in the bay at night, where she asks all sorts of deep questions like “so you have a girlfriend?” Oh God no I’m watching a teen movie aren’t I? Oh crap.
Before our hero can answer and get laid his leg decides to all but catch fire. It lights up and the hot chick runs away screaming not for help but yelling that he’s a freak, as you would do. Our hero sees a vision before him of that boy from earlier being killed and Voldemort telling him he’s next. Thank God this movie can finally get going.
At least you’d think it would get going, only it doesn’t. Not yet at least. After the whole burning leg episode our nameless hero has to run away with a guy called Henri who’s like his dad but isn’t. We learn that our hero’s name is actually Number Four, and he is from a far away world in outer space. His planet was attacked by the Voldemort clan and nine special people (of which he is the fourth) fled the carnage and arrived here on earth. Each of the nine have guardians, Four’s is Henri, a brave warrior who is assigned to keep him safe from the grasp of the Voldemorts.
If you want to protect yourself from spoilers you might wish to stop reading.
Since he attracted attention to himself with the whole shiny leg incident, Four and Henri pack up shop and head off on a long drive to find a new life. Once they get to their new location they hear noises from outside; an action sequence? No it’s a dog who’s followed them, he gets to come indoors out of the rain and ends up living with them. He gets named Bernie Kosar, after a football player. He's freaking awesome. The next morning Four declares he’s fed up of hiding and running and he wants to go to school because hey, aliens need education too I guess. Henri finally agrees on the condition that he checks his phone for missed calls every hour. Hey Apple put a lot into this movie so you’re just going to have to be prepared for close up iPhone shots every 10-15 minutes. Nice and discreet product placement, it’s the tops.
So anyway as Four isn’t the son of Tom Cruise, or Chris Martin, Henri gives him a real name: John Smith, because the writers weren’t trying, deal with it. He heads for school for day one of his new life, but not without a pep-talk from Henri, telling him to lay-low and not attract attention to himself. Four tells him he’s the master of blending in, and we cut to a shot of him putting his hood up as he walks into school. Good God, where did he go? Never mind John Smith this guys should’ve gone with Solid Snake!
John needs a timetable so goes to the student office where he meets a girl called Sarah. They don’t even try to disguise the fact she’s the love interest, they might as well have given her a t-shirt to wear with “I am Number Four‘s love interest” written on it. They even do the scene where they seemingly don’t get along well because he was ear-wigging and she thinks he won't tell her his real name. Sigh.
Their relationship is a little bit odd. The film acts as if they have some sort of chemistry between them, and yet there really isn’t any at all. Instead it just ends up feeling a bit too much like Twilight for my liking. Especially the part where Four tells Henri he can’t stop thinking about her and Henri tells him it’s because their race only fall in love with one person forever. Man, that is so excruciatingly lame. If that was the case then why was he trying to kop off with that hot chick from the beach at the start of the movie?
The pace of their relationship is also ridiculous, within about a week, Four ends up meeting her, talking to her, stalking her outside a photography store (which incidentally she doesn’t find at all creepy), having dinner with her and her parents, and finally ending up in her bed-room. Hold-on, what?
Sarah is an artistic girl who takes photos for the fun of it. It turns out she used to date the school quarterback who she broke up with because he wanted her to be a cheerleader and she wanted to do photography. Anyway, since she turned down the cheerleading offer the whole school hates her. Again, this is how it works kids.
I don’t really need to describe the quarterback to you, basically he’s the stereotypical jock who has loads of cronies around him. I think he’s supposed to be menacing, but it really doesn’t show on screen at all. Take the scene where we first meet him, he introduces himself to Four and everything seems normal, no jokes or poking fun, yet after every sentence the quarterback says, the cronies all laugh. What are you laughing at!? Seriously, did I miss something, what was so funny?
Whatever, in the very same scene we’re introduced to Sam who’s the geek of the school and gets bullied by the quarterback. Bet you didn’t see that coming did you? Four makes friends with him and learns that he and his Dad used to go searching for UFOs hence the reason why he’s bullied all day long.
Yeah this movie moves incredibly slowly, it’s pretty boring and I was starting to think that this is basically Twilight with aliens. The movie just tempts us with scenes that seem to promise action but don’t deliver. Four does learn that he’s a special alien who has powers that shot from his hands, kind of like Iron Man but without the suit. Please go and use these powers, I don’t even care if it’s used for evil, please do something.
He doesn’t get to use them though, until he goes to a random funfair with Sarah. Whilst on the ghost tour the pair are ambushed! Finally the plot’s here. About six people with night-vision goggles attack them and Four has to fight them with his powers, he catches up to Sarah who’d been taken away by some goon and it turns out it’s all the doing of the quarterback in order to get Sarah back. What the hell!? Who does that? At this point I’m just fed up, where the hell is the plot to this movie!? Or is this it? Great I am watching Twilight with aliens.
But thankfully the plot finally catches up with Four as the Voldemort crew turn up in the town and enlist the help of a couple of website owners who specialise in posting anything to do with alien activity on their site. Why do they need their help? I have no idea, but they do apparently.
Four returns home one day to find that Henri has been kidnapped, by two dudes who run a website. Are you kidding me?! Henri is like a kick-ass warrior sent to guard Number Four and he can’t take two fat American blokes? Whatever as long as there‘s no more teenage school crap, I’ll go with it. Four has to go to their headquarters alone. He enlists the help of Sam who’s by now found out that Four is an alien thanks to the quarterback’s Splinter Cell mission. Once they arrive, Four uses his power to unlock the door and they find Henri, release him and beat up the two alien enthusiasts with ease. All well and good except the Voldemorts turn up and start kicking off with their massive guns. Over-compensating much?
The trio manage to escape and get back in Sam’s van, only Sam’s lost the keys! Four tries to start the car engine by putting his hands on the dashboard while a Voldemort comes straight for them. It would be tense, only you’ll probably just sit there like me and think: turn the ignition, seriously you just did it on that door about five minutes ago, why aren’t you just turning the ignition?
Because of Four’s insolence the Voldemort makes it to the van, jumps on the bonnet and stabs through the windscreen at Four. Henri dramatically dives in front and takes the blade, which ultimately kills him. Conveniently Four manages to start the engine and they make their escape. Not since Boba Fett was sent flying into the pit of death in Return of the Jedi have I seen a worse death. It‘s just so needless. Henri dies because Four doesn’t just turn the bloody ignition! He deserved a better death than that.
But them’s the breaks, Henri dies and Four’s girlfriend is wanting answers since most the town have figured out he’s an alien. He returns to find her sat on the roof of some random house party and he tries to explain his situation to her. He offers her a roll of photo film and tells her all the answers as to who he is is within it. Sarah isn’t having that and drags him to the school where there’s a dark room where you can apparently develop photos in minutes.
We get to see the pair looking at the photos as she hangs them up to dry. And what’s on the photos? A picture of Four, a picture of the loveable beadle. These are all your answers? Anyway, whilst all this is going on, the Voldemorts are heading to the school to get them. Sam gets in his van and heads to warn them, he’s found his keys now. On his way Bernie jumps out in front of him and pretty much demands Sam takes him. Honestly I loved the dog, he was genuinely my favourite character in the film.
From this point the movie is good, we’re finally treated to some pretty good action scenes. The Voldemorts arrive at the school and they’ve brought a couple of giant flying squirrel monsters. How will they beat them? As Sam watches from the van, Bernie starts to transform into this massive alien dog. Let the action commence.
Four and Sarah are in the corridors of the school seemingly doomed as there are far too many Voldemorts closing in on them. Enter Number Six, who also has special powers. Now, she doesn’t exactly come from nowhere, we do see a couple random scenes earlier in the film that allude to her being one of the nine, and yeah here she is just in time to save the day.
She’s played by an Australian girl who is by far the worst actor in this movie, and that’s saying a lot. Her dialogue is not only poor but her delivery is also pretty bad. Luckily though you won’t care as she’s only in the movie as asses are being kicked, you won’t notice too much.
As Four and Six fight off the Voldemorts in what are some pretty good awesome scenes Bernie fights bravely against one of the squirrels in the locker room. He eventually defeats him but is left wounded, he transforms back into dog form and lies in the showers, too exhausted to continue.
Inevitably Four, Six, Sarah and Sam fight off the Voldemorts and the remaining squirrel, destroying the entire school in the process. It’s a pretty good climax to some fantastic action scenes brought to us no doubt by Michael Bay (he’s the producer). The four leave the school and head to a cemetery or something to discuss loose ends and stuff. At this point I’m sat there thinking, “erm guys, what about Bernie? Go and find the dog, he’s wounded, seriously, the dog, remember him? The one who saved your asses about two scenes ago?”
They just leave without Bernie! What the hell!? While they’re going over all their Twilight lovey dovey crap that dog literally has to crawl, still wounded I might add, from the locker rooms all the way to the cemetery. What the hell was that all about? They don’t even say sorry! Hey! Say you’re sorry!
Gah! That poor dog. Anyway, the movie ends with the quarterback reconciling with Four and Sarah, after which the couple walk away from him hand-in-hand and kiss with him stood behind, clearly in shot kicking his heels. Way to rub it in his face guys, jeez. After that Four, Six and Sam (for some reason) ride off into the sunset, leaving it open, quite helpfully, for a sequel.
So that’s it: I am Number Four. What can I say about it to sum it up? Well it’s got some pretty good action scenes in there, but my God you will have to wait patiently for them! If this movie had more action in it, then it’d definitely be a three star film. But you have to wait so long for it to really kick-off. Like over an hour! I wouldn’t mind if in that hour there was something to add to the story but most of it is just a guy and a girl who fall in love overnight. Add that to the needless death of Henri and that poor dog getting screwed over at the end, all I can do is give I am Number Four a couple of stars. It's not that it's a bad movie, it just doesn't balance the content well. The best part about this movie is that now the grounds been laid, the sequel might be good. As long as Bernie the Beagle is in it.
Final Verdict: 2 stars. Fittingly misses out on the podium.
***
The trailer's below, I'm pretty sure it's wrong as I seem to rememeber Number Three didn't get hunted down in Kenya.
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