Darling... You are a complete arse!

Well the festive season is well and truly upon us. What comes to your mind when you think of Christmas? Father Christmas? Coca-cola? Jesus? Well no Christmas wouldn’t quite be Christmas if it wasn’t for a bit of pantomime!

And this year has been no different, the BBC and ITV have been dishing out their annual pantos starting months ago. I talk of course of Strictly Come Dancing and the X-Factor! Strictly has pulled out some big names this year, Kara Tointon… nope, Michelle Williams… of girl band fame, and of course Scott Maslen… wasn’t he in The Bill once? Audiences spent the first couple of weeks remembering who Paul Daniels was, and once they did he was swiftly voted out. Okay, so the biggest star was Jimi Mystry, by default, but the biggest personality of Strictly this year was of course Anne Widdecombe.

Now, looking at Anne you wouldn’t really think she was built to be a dancer. And you’d be right. Her partner, the more than creepy Anton du Beke, spent most weeks snapping his back in half and dragging her around the dance floor until the public took sheer pity on him and voted them off. Expect him on an accident at work ad soon enough. Poor lad.

Eight eliminations she escaped. Eight! Is this show even about dancing? Well, obviously it’s not, since John Sergeant managed to fumble his way through last year’s show until eventually quitting, the show has been deemed about ‘entertainment’ rather than dancing. Even head judge Len has declared the show to be about entertainment now, no longer are we hearing: “Darling! It’s a travesty Darling!” They still give low scores but I think the judges have realised that they’re as redundant as a spare button on a zip coat.

Ah the judges, that’s what it’s all about. Four bored know-it-alls sit behind a desk stolen from ITV News look blankly onwards as an out of work actor twirls around the dance floor with a professional dancer from High School Musical. Sounds good doesn’t it? 11 million viewers watch this stuff!

The judges are there for a reason though. They give people a reason to watch, as once the dance is done the couple head over to Brucie who waves his chin at them and herds them to the judges for their weekly grilling. Judge number one is panto baddie Craig Revel-Horwood (boo-hiss) a man who could condescend Christ if he wanted to, sits right on the end and generally finds faults with everyone and has no qualms with ripping into the rubbish contestants. He is quite camp, knows his stuff, and likes to use the word ‘darling’ a lot. Generally what he says is right, but that doesn’t mean we have to like it!

Judge number two, is head judge Len Goodman, who’s spared the title of oldest man in the room thanks to Brucie. Len has the deciding vote and holds most of the authority. In previous seasons he’s been a bit like Craig in that he told the truth but nowadays he just grins at you like the gawping fish at the end of Mario Kart and says “thanks for playing.”

Next judge is Alicia Dixon, who replaced Arlene Phillips last season much to the bemusement of everyone except Arlene Phillips. I think Arlene fell out with the BBC producers and to embarrass her even further they threw in their answer to Cheryl Cole. Alicia plays the part of Widow Twanky, not the lead character but the one who just has very little to do except smile and say well done.

Last but not least is Bruno Tonioli, the most eccentric man on the BBC since Jimmy Savile. Bruno essentially plays the comic of the panto, he sits on the end and yells at the dancers exclaiming how hot they are “Scott-t!” Even if it wasn’t Scott dancing it’s “Scott-t!” that’s all he says. And God forbid if Bruce should get to him last, then he just acts like a sticky spring toy forbidden from jumping only to then be released as if by surprise, to which he ends up stood bow-legged on the desk yelling “It was magnificent! The best thing I’ve ever seen! I orgasmed twice! Marry me now! Exquisite! 10! 10! 10! 11!” The crowd obviously laughs it up while the evil Craig shakes his head condescendingly from the opposite side.

As for the dancing itself, it’s been alright. But what I have noticed this season more than others is that the dancers are using the judges' desk a lot more as a part of their routines. They’ll start by standing on the desk and waiting for the music to kick in and then leap off it. Sounds alright only the camera shot at the start gets to see four of the most awkward people sat looking up at the dancer. It’s just bizarre, I’m fairly sure Bruno farted one week just to relieve some of the tension as Len randomly chuckled for no apparent reason.

There are some decent dancers, but they could be better. Next year I want John Bishop on it! I went to see him live earlier this week and that man got moves! Get him on it and I might actually watch it!

All in all Strictly is a lovely family evening filled with favourites, bad guys, a cheering and jeering audience and Billy Connolly. Which is more than I can say for the other show sat across the road in the studios of ITV.

Yes, X-Factor, the newly crowned ‘most tired show on television’ since Big Brother finished earlier in the year. I can sum this show up in a word. Awful. No wait I can do better than that: Terrible. No that’s not good enough: atrocious. No that’s still not covering it: Harrowing. Yeah that’s a bit more like it, shouldn’t have really given myself a one word limit there, but I’d have been here all day if I didn’t.

I can’t stand X-Factor, I genuinely hate its existence. Especially the first few weeks where ITV literally round up people with serious mental health issues and throws them out on stage where they proceed to sing a crumbling rendition of Ronan Keating’s ’When You Say Nothing At All’, which is then followed by Simon Cowell and his motley crew calling them the worst thing they’ve ever seen (amazing how it keeps getting topped isn’t it?) and the audience laughs deliriously at them. They walk off in shame, crying, and are greeted by a smirking Dermot O’Leary who then takes a huge handful of salt and rubs it in their faces turns them round and boots them out onto the streets again. It is actually appalling. This is entertainment? Laughing at mental disorders on a Saturday night?

Well anyway, it bloody well finished last week, thank God, it’s the main benefit to Christmas falling on a Saturday this year. The winner was not Gamu, it was Matt Cardle, who I’ve only just now realised exists on this planet. He used to be a painter and decorator but now he’s the one being decorated by pretty much everyone in the UK media.

I’ll admit, I know nothing about the man, I only found the painter and decorator fact in the Metro where I read up on the amazing final that 20 million people watched. 20 million, that’s over 25% of the British population sat in front of a flashing box watching a bunch of nobodies crawl about on stage desperately clawing at the fabled 15 minutes of fame. I mean who was watching the other channels? Watch could’ve just shown hardcore porn and no one would have noticed!

To me, Matt looks a bit bland. Okay, he’s more memorable than last year’s winner (answers on a postcard), who incidentally entered the chart with his new single at number 68 on Sunday, but he seems to have the charisma of a moth-eaten cardigan. I don’t know, maybe I’m not being fair, I’ve only seen him sing once, and yes he can sing, but who cares? I’ve seen overweight middle-aged women being thrown around a dance floor dressed as a matador’s cape that have entertained me more than this guy!

Apparently Matt beat a girl called Rebecca and a band called ‘One Direction’, which is a brilliant name I have to say, I’m sure they’ll go on to great things. Anyway the cardigan won it and subsequently released his single: Biffy Clyro’s hit record ‘Many of Horror’. That’s when I thought: hang on a minute, according to an interview I read a few weeks ago Matt said he would only release new material, but what’s this? Looks to me like a cover version of an all round popular chart hit. So you lied to us Matt? How could you? Oh no wait, they changed the song title to “When we Collide.” Ah right well that’s alright then. 

How gullible is this man? He seriously thinks he has his own life now, where he makes his own decisions. No, you are no property of Simon Cowell and you will go out there and you will sing and dance to the tune of whatever he sees fit until he gets bored of you and simply gets someone else from next year’s X-Factor! Idiot.

Matt was mentored by Dannii Minogue, the less famous of the two sisters, she’s the one who didn’t marry Jason Donovan on Neighbours. She’s one of the four judges and plays one of the more well liked ones. Cheryl Cole is the other female judge, who, to be honest is looking more and more thin by the day. I’m actually worried about her, has she forgotten how to eat or something? She looks like Olive Oil! If she turns to one side she bloody disappears! I’m not entirely sure why Cheryl is on the panel, given she’s an expert in pretty much nothing but she sits there anyway.

Either side of the lovely ladies is behemoth Cowell and Louis Walsh. Cowell, who is still looking more and more like a Pez dispenser by the day, is the meanie of the gang, Officer Dibble if you will. Louis Walsh, well, he’s just Bennie. Louis makes no sense to me when he talks, all I hear is the same thing. Maybe because it is the same thing! Every week he comes out and says to one of the performers “That was the best performance on X-Factor EVER!” If this show gets any better he’s going to end up having a heart attack! Every week it's: “Best performance ever! It’ll never be topped this!” Until the week after when he says: “Best performance ever! It’ll never be topped this!” Succeeded by the following week’s show where he says: “Best performance ever! It’ll never be topped this!” You get the idea.

The X-Factor judges are boring. They have no personality, except for Cowell, they have no talent, and none of them say ‘darling’! At least on Strictly they have a bit of a laugh, alright it’s all aimed at Brucie and Anne Widdecombe, but fair play to them, they all take it with a pinch of salt and they're all good sports. They obviously want to win the show, but if they don’t they don’t go and cry about it. X-Factor contestants treat the show as if it’s the biggest thing that will ever happen to them. I walked into a KFC once, as crap as it was, it was still a better experience than being on the X-Factor. Get over it you bunch of ungrateful idiots. “I’m doing this for my pet goldfish who died when I was only twelve.” Oh Boo-hoo, why don’t you get a job! I’m sure Blooper would be chuffed with that more than this abomination!

Of course X-Factor, like Strictly, is just a panto in disguise. From the tacky set to the stereotypical panto characters sat behind the desks. It’s just cheap, crappy, pointless, soul destroying television. You can actually feel your self respect dripping from your ears whilst watching it, and if you close your eyes you can see your high school form tutor shaking her head disapprovingly at you.

Strictly is okay, good casual viewing, a bit of a laugh and not treated too seriously. X-Factor is rubbish, and you can say “Oh no it isn’t” all you like, it won’t change my mind, because it bloody well is.

Dear Britain: Get a grip!

What a week it has been. Ed Miliband chose his front benchers set to fight to the death with their Tory-Liberal counterparts; Nato troops were deprived of fuel supplies as Pakistani Taliban fighters destroyed tankers headed for Afghanistan; the Commonwealth games kicked off in Delhi; and the Chilean miners look close to being released from their underground prison.

Of course nobody cares. Because they’re far too busy protesting radically about the goings on at their football club. I am of course talking about the sale, or non-sale, depending on how you look at it, of Liverpool football club. They’ve been bought by another American firm, NESV, owners of the Boston Red Sox. And of course current owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett like the idea of making money, so they’re attempting to block the sale.

Now, it’s fair to say Liverpool fans don’t quite like them two. So I wasn’t really surprised to find a video on YouTube of Liverpool fans addressing Tom Hicks, telling him and his mate George to get out. Of course the video is given a bit more clout and publicity by having a few celebs pop in to give their two cents on the matter. I say celebs, there’s Ricky Tomlinson, Sue Johnston and John Bishop. There are others, you can tell who the celebs are as they act like they’re important, but I don’t know who they are from Adam.

This is all well and good but they manage to go way, way over the top. One bloke (maybe a celeb) says: “The only way you‘d understand it, how much we feel about this club, is if someone came to your house and burnt it down.” Really? You bloody idiot, so you’re telling me what they’ve done to a business is the equivalent of someone burning your house down?

Then Ricky T comes along half way through to say that they’ve not just stolen their club, but they’ve stolen the game from them. Now, I love Ricky Tomlinson, but that’s just stupid. How can you steal the game of football from someone? Apparently the football fields in Liverpool are deserted, you won’t find kids running around the streets kicking a football about, and Sky Sports is only available to Everton fans. Thanks Hicks I hope you’re happy.

But the one thing that really annoyed me after watching this video is the inconsiderate moron who stands there with his hood up, wearing sunglasses indoors, and spouting: “Imagine if your family, which is what Liverpool Football Club is to most people, especially the real fans who go home and away, it‘s like you‘re raping all of them at once.”

This needs to end now. People need to stop the use of the word rape to mean ‘casually attacked’. It’s one of my big hates, when someone substitutes words like attack, tackle, beat et al, with rape. I mean, how offensive is that? To even imply that rape is just a casual act of violence or offence is just down-right wrong. Yes Hicks has run Liverpool into the ground, but you can’t come out and say he’s a rapist. It’s ridiculous. Rape actually happens, and I’d hardly think those women would liken what they went through with Liverpool Football Club losing money and being unsuccessful. Such an idiot. Anyone wearing sunglasses indoors is, but this guy is something else.

And what was all that about the “real fans who go home and away”? Some real fans would give their left arm to get to watch their football club at home, never mind home AND away! See, the ‘real fans’ are priced out of watching their own team they once supported from the stands, just as their parents did, and their grandparents and their great-grandparents. All because football, since it’s a business, got greedy. Now your average supporter drives a Merc and drinks fine wines as he watches on. Football clubs don’t care who supports them, as long as they have money. Who cares if Liverpool aren’t successful on the pitch? The real fans, once the lifeblood of the team, don’t get to see that pitch anyway.

So yes, I’d like it very much if these melodramatic fools would stop moaning about Liverpool's situation. I think John Bishop put it best when he said “jog on.”

However, these protests have been dwarfed by the backlash that was found after the weekend’s reality TV show evictions. Sigh. This week it's the plight of Gamu, yet another girl shot into a week’s worth of fame by the juggernaut of light-hearted entertainment that is the X-Factor. Now, I first caught wind of this on Monday morning when someone told me how ‘insane’ it was for Cheryl to reject Gamu and choose two other generic cyborgs instead. Of course I brushed off this ‘news’ story and went about my day.

But it didn’t go away. A couple of days passed and Gamu’s face is up on ITV News with the shocking headline ‘Gamu to be deported’. Wow is this what it’s come to? Sorry, you’re not worthy of half-arsed fame brought by the X-factor, please get out of this country and don’t come back (unless you bring money). But no, it turns out the reasoning behind it is the fact that Gamu’s mother’s visa application was turned down. Seriously that’s why it was on ITV News.

Now the country is up in arms! There are people stood outside her house in Scotland, presumably to protest, although they’re not so much protesting but trying to get themselves on TV which is why this whole story even exists in the first place. Then we have a reporter, who must be dismayed that she went to university for this, waving a microphone at the closed door of Gamu’s house interviewing the mother about paper-work.

Okay, first of all, people need to stop complaining about Gamu’s rejection. The show is called X-Factor, it is not a talent show for crying out loud! I mean, Cheryl Cole is one of the judges! She couldn’t find a haystack if you placed one on top of a needle, so why do you think she’ll be able to pick someone talented from a bunch of clowns? Obviously I’ve heard Gamu sing in the last week as I haven’t been living underneath a rock for seven days, and yes, she can sing. But so what? A lot of people can sing. She hasn’t exactly made Cheryl’s water turn to wine has she? Will.I.Am did that. Annoyed.I.Am

Secondly, just because you have a Facebook group it doesn’t mean you can change the law in the UK to allow her to stay here. This must happen to hundreds of people every week. But do people care about them? No. But Gamu was on X-Factor, she’s a national treasure just like Joe McElderry and Kerry McGregor (yes, I just did a Google search). It actually got to the point where new Labour leader Ed Miliband was actually asked his opinion on the matter. Of course he stated the bleeding obvious saying that they can’t make exceptions for X-Factor contestants. I’m sure he wasn’t expecting that question when he was elected.

Scotland's Culture Minister Fiona Hyslop has actually written to the Home Secretary regarding Gamu’s situation stating the following:

“As you will also no doubt be aware, Ms Ngazana's daughter, Gamu Nhengu, has been participating in the X Factor television show. Gamu has demonstrated that she is a hugely talented singer, and potentially a great asset to Scotland's cultural community… I would strongly urge you to take a personal interest in the family's circumstances, to ensure that all relevant factors are properly and fully considered, so that any options which would allow them to stay in Scotland are fully explored.”

You hear that immigrants? Want to stay in the UK? Get yourself on the X-Factor. You want to know the real winner in all this? Simon Cowell, who “really feels for Gamu's situation.”

People need to stop for a minute to look at what they’re bothered about. Aid worker Linda Norgrove, who was taken hostage by terrorists in Afghanistan, was killed this week in a rescue attempt. She had dedicated her life trying to help others who desperately needed aid. If you interviewed the population of Britain and asked them if they knew who Linda Norgrove was, very few would know. But ask the same people who Gamu Nhengu is and a heck of a lot more would be able to tell you. I certainly didn’t see a massively publicised Facebook group campaigning for the release of Linda Norgrove.

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The full video of the whining Liverpool supporters is below. See how far you can get through it before stopping it.