Morning is Broken.

The most depressing thing has been happening over the past couple of weeks. Something so disheartening that even Carole Smillie goes into hibernation. No, I’m not talking about the X-Factor I am of course talking about our big, bold, beautiful sun. Yes, as I write this at 7.45pm the sun is a distant memory over the horizon of nothingness, which can only mean one thing. Winter is upon us.

So much for waiting for the summer. I genuinely can’t remember any summer at all. I seem to recall a week long warm patch back in May but that’s about as good as it got. Now before you know it it’ll be wet, windy, freezing and pitch black as you leave the office to head back to your dreary little town house.

Co-incidentally this horrible series of events has happened just as Daybreak has begun on ITV. It’s not exactly making life any easier for us now is it. You now wake up in the morning all boggle eyed, scrambling for the remote in order to get your first bit of sustenance from your trusty television, only to find Adrian Chiles and Frank Lampard’s girlfriend greeting you with a cheery grin. I say cheery, Bleakley seems to have mastered it but Chiles seems to be visiting the same smile doctor as the Right Honourable Gordon Brown. It’s like watching a bear wipe its arse with a pine cone.

You may have heard that the big transfer news over the summer was Chiles and Bleakley from BBC’s The One Show to ITV’s brand new morning annoyance Daybreak. Chiles went first complaining about Chris Evans (which is fair enough, we’ve all been there) but Bleakley took a while to make up her mind. In the end she left, but she stuck around long enough for the Beeb to take a cell sample from her and clone her. Yes the BBC have replaced the dynamic due with a burly Manc and Bleakley 2.0.

Now, the burly Manc I speak of is none other than comedian Jason Manford, who suffers a bit from ‘northern comedian syndrome’. He’s a bit like a poor man’s Peter Kay. He’s not that bad to be fair to him, to put him in perspective he’s not quite as good as Peter Kay but he’s still miles better than Paddy McGuinness. And if you don’t know who Paddy McGuiness is, he’s from the Greggs adverts, looks like John O’Shea, about as funny as a JCB running over your feet. Twice.

ITV didn’t just steal the presenters mind you. The got the set designer too. Daybreak’s is pretty similar to The One Show’s except it’s purple, very purple. The set has a massive glass window showing off the city of London in all it’s smoggy glory. Seriously you can see bugger all through it. The times I’ve watched it all I’ve seen is three seagulls fighting over a falling cigarette end one of them dropped and what looks like cranes building what I can only assume is a giant green screen so ITV can just put up a pretend sunrise instead of the bleakfest Londoners are subjected to these days.

Now, to be fair, I’m all in favour of Daybreak. I do kind of like it, a bit of a guilty pleasure I suppose, but I’ll take anything to alleviate the horror that was GMTV. A morning show so simple it was just plain insulting at times. Remember when they used to send Keith Chegwin round to some poor sod’s house first thing in the morning. I used to love it when no one answered the door. I’d rather answer the door to Noel Edmonds than that little git. As for the other presenters of sheer bland I’d rather line them all up and catapult them to a far away land using a giant slingshot just so that no one can be subjected to their drivel any longer.

But of all the absolute morons that presented GMTV my absolute worst was always Andrew Castle. I just cant stand the man. He’d be given special treatment, instead of the oversized slingshot I’d have to build a trebuchet just for him, one big enough to send him into orbit. Let’s see you belittle your audience from there you smug ferryman. Every morning I’d turn on the TV and there he was sat upright, next to whoever drew the short straw that week, with his smirking face and hidden eyes talking at you with his innate attitude of sheer patronization, argh it’s enough to make me watch Breakfast.

So thank goodness it’s gone. No longer do I have to put up with the horrible 80s set. No longer do I have to watch the painful chemistry between Kate Garraway and Ben Shepherd. And no longer do I have to sit and watch Andrew bloody Castle every morning. For that reason alone Daybreak is absolutely brilliant in my eyes. Now I only have to put up with him during Wimbledon.

Daybreak’s supporting cast are also better than GMTV's, yes Garraway is still on it, but she’s been given a minor role in entertainment thankfully. As for the weather girl she isn’t really the best, I’d imagine she’s a graduate, or a Blue Peter presenter because she has no idea what she’s doing. I’ve seen her a couple of times and each time I’ve found my self looking over my shoulder because that’s where she’s staring in to. She looks like she’s reading her lines off a large piece of card being held by an unusually tall man slightly to the right of the camera. What is she gawping at!? I really want to know! Is it a mouse? Jim Davidson? The apocalypse? What are you staring at woman!?

Old favourite Dr Hillary is still on it, giving out some mild advice, that can be found in leaflets, to the general public. John Stapleton’s been sent out into the field to find news, gives him something to do I suppose. And they’ve kept GMTV newboy Dan Lobb to read the sport, which is great news for him as he must have been having nightmares of going back to Sky Sports News to repeat himself over and over again to the unemployed.

As for Chiles and Bleakley they’re as much a married couple as ever. They’re not too bad. Better than the previous generation were. It’s pretty much The One Show's setup only it’s found during cereal time rather than tea time. The content is pretty much the same as GMTV: news, sport, ads, a guest, a chatette, ads, weather, ads, feature story. You get the idea. I have noticed though that a lot of their content is just ripped straight off YouTube, like the penalty save that wasn’t or the running dreaming dog. They cut short the YouTube clip and invite you the audience to text in and let them know which one you want to see more of. Which leads me to question: why don’t they just go on YouTube and watch them all yourself. It’d save you a text, and save you the adverts, actually no there’d probably be more adverts. Fair enough keep on texting.

Yes it could be improved. They could have an actual backdrop, they could have bettered the content of the actual show and they could stop trying to cosy up to me whilst I’m still trying to get the sleep out of my eyes, but otherwise I’m pretty happy it’s on.

What I’m not happy about is the fact that at the start of The One Show the great outdoors looks exactly the same as the start of Daybreak. It makes me feel so sad, so very very sad. I’m looking out into the darkness, dreaming of what could have been, wondering if the sun will rise tomorrow morning. All being well it will, but that's the least of my worries right now, Cheggers is at the door.

***

(Seriously though, Alex Jones and Christine Bleakley have got to be twins, or at least sisters.)

You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

It’s the start of a new football season so it’s the start of another dreary Match of the Day series. Ultimately the feeling of watching Match of the Day leaves you feeling so empty inside even Shrek doesn’t want to live there. Either you’re sat at home watching it alone on a Saturday night crying into your brew or you’re up early Sunday morning crying into your Ready Brek.

It’s only really acceptable to watch if you’re eating a pizza with your mates, like the over the top scene from last year’s opening titles, or sat in the pub watching it on mute (which is the best way to view). In fact it’s actually quite fun in the pub, you can play ‘guess what patronising comment Hanson has brought out this time’, you know when it’s coming when Lineker gives you that look through the screen with that smarmy look of guilt on his face, like a dog who’s just relieved himself on the carpet.

So I’ve packed it in, cant be bothered with it. It’s as long-winded as it is boring so I’ve decided to just stick with Sunday night’s mischievous scamp of a younger brother: Match of the Day 2. Hosted by everyone’s favourite everyman: Adrian Chiles.

But no, Chiles is no more, instead we have a man known as Colin Murray, who Liverpool fans may recognise from channel five’s coverage of the Europa League last season. I personally remember him from his days doing the graveyard shift on Radio 1 in which he’d spend hours on end going on about the Kooks or the Klaxons, annoying me as a toiled away at my part time job. The things we do to get by ‘ay Colin.

To be fair to the little Irishman he’s actually quite decent. After his pre-season training in South Africa he actually does a good job at presenting the action. He’s quite warm and likeable unlike Lineker who has somehow developed the personality of a retired sock puppet. Unfortunately though I think the Beeb want him to be the new Adrian Chiles, you do get the impression there’s an executive producer stood off camera with a rifle aimed at his forehead: ‘Become Adrian or I’ll put a hole in your cranium’. Still, it’s better than working for ITV.

Now, what would Match of the Day be without its pundits? Better. But they’re here anyway. On Saturday’s helping you’ll find the bored looking Alan Hansen, who I’m thinking is a vampire as he keeps eying up Lineker and I cant decide if he wants to make love to him or consume his salt and vinegar flavoured blood; Alan Shearer who has half as much charisma as a ripped tea towel floating in a barrel or frogspawn; and Mark Lawrenson. Match of the Day 2 seems to be sticking with the winning formula of Lee Dixon and a randomer.

This week‘s randomer is none other than Robbie Savage fresh from captaining Radio 5 Live and irritating Derby County audiences. He’s apparently come dressed as Arthur from Inception, but unlike Arthur he isn’t kicked back into reality, instead he’s barking on about Fulham being chalk and cheese. “Sparky would’ve been doing his nut.” You’re doing my nut.  I’m not sure why Savage believes he’s a credible source of football knowledge, but he does. Last season he said Newcastle wouldn’t be promoted, this year they’re going down. What has he based that opinion on? They lost to Manchester United on day one at Old Trafford. So imagine my joy when I get to watch Newcastle obliterate Villa 6-0, with Andy Carroll jetting off after scoring his third as if to show Savage what he could have won. Of course this moment of joy didn’t last long though as the buoyant tea towel Shearer appears in the director’s box waving money around. Seems you cant escape him, even on a Sunday.

Of course Colin Murray, like myself, enjoyed watching it and forced Savage to eat his words. Which I can only imagine tastes a bit like leek, sand and mineral water. For this Murray is in my good books. He isn’t perfect, he spent most of the time addressing Robbie and Lee through the camera, but he did a good job. At least he’s shut up about the Klaxons.

Thankfully the evergreen Dixon, a man who’s a couple of years away from a Shredded Wheat advert, is on hand to tidy up where Savage makes a mess. He’s not actually a bad pundit, he’s got the knowledge of the game but the only problem is he’s forced to just be the ‘defence guy’ as if he has no clue about the attacking side of the game. He played for Arsenal for crying out loud! I can only imagine how frustrated he must be. First he gets forced to tell viewers about the back four needing to stick together every week, then he loses his mate Adrian, now he’s got Robbie Savage sat next to him clutching his arm. I’m waiting for the day when he just snaps and massacres the studio using only a ham sandwich and a hairnet, bludgeoning the randomer to death until finally being shot by the executive producer who’s been forced to change his target due to 3 people complaining to Ofcom about it. Spoil sport. But at least Murray could be himself then.

Dixon isn’t the only remnant from last season. That’s right, Kevin Day, a man who has been on more buses than Blakey, is back! Hooray! Okay so it’s not that exciting. I honestly don’t know how Kevin Day keeps getting out of bed in the morning. He gets sent to the dullest places on the planet, to meet the biggest bunch of weirdoes waltzing around the English countryside, and usually at about 3 in the morning. It’s as if the BBC are just messing with him, seeing how much pain and misery they can put him through without him grabbing a red sweatshirt and doing the truffle shuffle in front of a bull who’s just watched the whole of Heroes season 3 back to back. This is a man who has been to Portsmouth more than twice, been forced to use twitter and even sent to visit a man who commutes from the Isle of Man to Wolverhampton to watch a side managed by Mick McCarthy!

This weekend he had the unfortunate job of travelling down to the Emirates on a coach full of Blackpool fans, who are looking shamefully bemused and are still mistaking the rain patter on the roof of the bus as ‘Non, je ne regrette rien.’ But the kick never comes and it becomes apparent that this is not a dream. To the delight of the Blackpool fans, but also to the utter despair of Kevin Day who is really struggling to find anyone half interesting to interview about their chances. It must have been a long journey, thank God it’s just to the Emirates in North London and not the actual Emirates. I loved the end of his segment when he just waved them off as they headed back up the M1. You just know when he left shot of the camera he was flicking the Vs.

Sticking with the Blackpool fans, this year Match of the Day 2 are giving you, yes you, the chance to chant the match of the day theme tune because apparently it belongs to you. Now as anyone who’s been on Youtube will know you own absolute diddly squat, so I don’t really get this segment. Nevertheless Tangerine fans, knocking about a service station somewhere between Blackpool and North London, chant out a near perfect rendition of the bleak ringtone. On the plus side however it’s the first time in history that a Little Chef hasn’t been the most depressing thing at a service station. Anyway, Murray wants you to email him or something, so get to it.

So that’s it, you’ve seen the highlights of Sunday’s games and Saturday’s goals. Now send me off to bed with 2 good 2 bad. No. It’s not on anymore. Why BBC? Why? I just sat through this and you’re not even going to show me a Wigan fan eating a pie with a toothbrush? They’re replacing it with service station X-factor? Get me Sky on the phone. Now.

***

Match of the Day 2 is on every Sunday night, times vary. It’s on the iplayer Tuesday after midnight. But if there’s snooker on you might as well forget it.

Heroes season 3 is available in most stores selling dvds but should be avoided at all costs.